Monthly Archives: September 2015

9/30/2015 Friendship

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Facebook is a strange thing. I suppose to this generation, not so much, but I remember a time when friends were people you saw in live time, and not through social media. Back then we couldn’t even imagine that there would be such a thing as social media. I feel like Facebook has isolated us in more ways than it has united us. What is friendship being turned into I wonder? How many friends do we really have when life gets tough? I guess my definition of a friend and social media’s version of it do not exactly match. They never really have. I can’t count how many times I have discontinued my account only to start it back up again for this reason or that one. These questions run through my mind this morning.  This will be that last post that posts to Facebook. If you want to follow my blog please feel free. I truly am open to friendship from anyone. I don’t need to share their religion, opinions, politics or similar life circumstances to be a friend to someone and if those are requirements on their end I probably at some point won’t measure up to those standards. I can live with that. I really value honesty and objectivity and it is important to me that I am transparent with people and I really appreciate the same. I just feel like I need to cut ties with Facebook where this blog is concerned. Whether I have no readers’ or 30, it makes no difference to me. I write as a way of processing, growing and figuring it out. This blog is personal and while I am very willing to share those details with people that are searching out the deep questions, trying to understand their own struggles and grow past them, like myself, I don’t want to impose those things on folks that are not really interested. I want to help people to feel a little less alone and I’d like to feel the same. I guess Facebook can be seen as a form of coercion at times. I guess I get that. I don’t really get offended over what people post but I suppose some people do. I suppose we are all forced in one anothers “faces” beyond mere acquaintance and subject to opinions, politics, religion and controversy 24/7. I don’t want to be that to anyone so other than my “face” on Facebook and some funny memes from time to time, I will be moving on. I’d like you to stay but only if you truly want to. 🙂

My body is feeling very tired today. I did Pilates yesterday but I think my internal reaction to all the stress in the last few weeks has taken it’s toll. I really am trying to “Be Still” but it has been a struggle for me. I am not going to walk today. George is a bit prissy about getting his paws wet and it has been raining non stop for days. I am going to go grocery shopping with a friend and fill up the cabinet and fridge because they are looking rather empty. This week is Sukkot and the first year that we haven’t put up our Sukkah in the back yard in a few years. The drama over the past few weeks with our youngest son (former foster, now adopted child with severe emotional/behavioral issues) has simply been too much for us to muster the energy to do so. It makes me a little sad thinking about it but on the other hand you have to know your limits. That is how I got myself into many messes to begin with. I have not listened to that voice on the inside that said, “hey, slow down, you can’t do it all and sometimes you just need to stop for a while.” Now, I feel like I am given no option but to heed that voice because I have come to the end of my energy resources and our circumstances are dictating what does and does not to need to be done right now. So, I truly wish my friends celebrating the feast much joy and happiness. I join you in spirit and hope our circumstances are better next year.

Cheers!

April

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9/29/2015 So where do we go from here? I don’t know. I suppose we just keep going.

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Sorry no post yesterday. My day started extremely early and it was very hectic from the start and the pace continued throughout the day. I don’t really know how people can drive through ATL traffic during rush hour everyday and keep their sanity. The drive was intense! People were intense. Chill out peeps!

B had an appointment on the North end and what should have been a 1 hour drive turned into 2.

I actually slept all night last night. That is pretty rare. I was extremely exhausted. No amount of processing about a difficult day could prevent sleep last night. If I processed the drama of yesterday I must have done it my dreams and thankfully I have no memory of it. My mind needed a rest from the chaos and thankfully it cooperated. My husband and myself took comfort in unwinding together last night and not talking about the elephant in the room. I think that helps so very much.

Yesterday, it was comforting to hear that someone else saw what we see and live with every single day and isn’t more overwhelmed by it than we are. I have had such a prejudice against the psychiatric profession for so long and that was wrong. There are some “not so great” ones out there, that is true, but there are also some very wise men and women that have common sense and can read between the lines. I met one yesterday and if nothing else that was worth almost $200 and the trip. Wisdom and repose are such a good combination.

So where do we go from here? I don’t know. I suppose we just keep going. Remember, I have never been there and I don’t know anyone who has.

Meditation was good this morning. Learning to be the thinker, not the thinking and learning to keep people off pedestals and drop my expectations of them. We have experienced a lot of disappointment given our situation. That disappointment was conceived by expectation. We expected more of the people around us then they were capable of giving. Remaining aware of this I am trying not to step into the snare of resentment or judging their motives. People would do better by us or you if they knew how. Give them and yourself a break. People are only capable of functioning at the level of their consciousness.

(Taking a deep breath) 🙂

Overall, just learning, one moment at a time, and let it go. Some days that is easier than others.

I haven’t taken my blood sugar in two days. I have Pilates this morning with the best teacher ever. 🙂

Cheers!

April

Attachment Vs. Love

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The Spiritual condition is central, in some way, shape or form, to all of the physical ailments and conditions we find ourselves suffering with. This is my firm belief after many years of trying desperately addressing raging fires, mine and others, with little squirt guns full of herbs, supplements and nutrition and prior to that with drugs and surgery. Not that these things do not have merit, at times, but they are not central to true healing. So, I hope you will indulge me in these thoughts, understanding that I cannot look at this journey to health by merely observing the surface and accepting the outward conclusion that things “just happen”, when they don’t.

So moving on…..

This realization has been building over the past few years. I am beginning to understand this like never before:

To him Yeshua said, “No one who puts his hand to the plow and keeps looking back is fit to serve in the Kingdom of God.” Luke 9:62

All of my life I have had an unhealthy attachment to many things that I interpreted and believed to be an expression of love.

Unfortunately for me, attachment isn’t love. Attachment is just the opposite. The culture I was raised in and still live in perpetuates this misinformation and our egos readily accept it as truth. It makes sense to us. It makes sense to us because we are flawed. Attachment has resulted in untold suffering from the dawn of time. Truly, attachment is the root of all suffering.

The story of Abraham and the sacrifice of Issac has been looked at from many different angles over the ages. I dare say I think I have heard most of them. This story always puzzled me. The explanations puzzled me even more than the story. I think that is because I was looking at it from my own limited perspective and from the surface. I think that is because I was also trying to understand it from the limited perspective of others and through the culture I was raised in. Our perspective is very limited, no mater what your culture, race, creed or religion is. It is just a fact. Scientists have come to the conclusion that we only perceive a maximum of 4% of our universe and surroundings. 96% of it we are not able to perceive with our senses. We are truly limited in our understanding. This is just a fact. Paul said in 1 Corinthians 13:12 that for now, “We only see in part.” How correct he was! We only see in part and most the time just what is on the surface and not at all the substance of what something truly is.

What is love? Do we understand what it really is? Again, I believe this to be another limited concept that we do not truly understand. Our ego, our flesh and society tell us one version but I am beginning to believe that version to be fairly warped.

Isaac was truly everything to Abraham and Sarah. To lose him was unthinkable and beyond painful. My husband and myself, years ago, suffered with infertility. We lost our first baby to miscarriage and another later on. I can attest to the desperation and depth of pain of losing a child and then wanting to hold on like hell when you finally have one. Let me throw this out to you and  please try very hard to put everything you understand about love out of your mind for a moment. Look at it as objectively as you possibly can. What if the day Abraham thought he was sacrificing Issac it wasn’t really Isaac he was sacrificing? What if what Abraham was sacrificing was “attachment” and not Isaac. That day “attachment” was slaughtered, not Issac. The Creator made sure of that because that was the point! When you let go of your attachment, what you were holding on like hell to, that love is given back to you, but this time it is pure. This time it really is love. What you had before you only thought to be love, but it wasn’t. You didn’t love it until you released it.

God is Spirit and to the carnal man spiritual things are confusing on the surface. I get that. I don’t believe to fully understand that story in the Scriptures, and most others, that it can be received with fleshly eyes. It is deeper than that and not what it seems on the surface at all. On the surface many stories in the scriptures are honestly preposterous and confounding. We can not swim on the surface and wade in shallow waters and ever hope to grasp the depth of understanding our Creator has for us. There is so much more if we dare to go deeper and only He can take us there. Your intellect is completely useless in this endeavor.

I was thinking about all the things I have had attachment to throughout my life:

People, relationships and friendships

Situations remaining the same or changing at my preference

Dreams and desires

The outcome of anything and everything i.e. my plans

Food

Income

Patriotism or allegiance to a government or country

Etc., etc.

I dare say that the attachment to these things, in other words, the expectations I placed on them, has resulted in a tremendous amount of pain for me and often others. I believe, now, that even though I thought I “loved” all of the above, and more, that the mere act of attaching my expectations to them was in it’s essence premeditated resentment and resulted in deep disillusionment and disappointment. Pain! My attachment, to everything, save my Creator, was the polar opposite of what love truly is.

So, what is love anyway? True love isn’t about “self”. It lets go when it needs to. It trusts. It hopes, but it doesn’t have an agenda, nor does it attach itself to an outcome. It doesn’t cling to what is not true. It doesn’t cling to anything but it’s Maker. It is freedom. It is truth, objective not subjective. It is secure and it is strong. True love is powerful but not coercive. It is kind but not foolish. It is resolute. It is not afraid or co-dependent. And most importantly it is not a “feeling”.

I believe after 46 years I am beginning to understand what love is and what it isn’t and what it is is not is attachment.

Letting it all go…..

Cheers,

April

p.s. let go of another 1/2 lb, yippee!! How is that for letting go of an attachment?! 🙂

9/25/2015, Pioneer

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pioneerwomanDo you ever wonder what it must have been like for the early pioneers in our country. Pioneers that ventured into completely unknown territories, save the Native Americans, inexperienced and uncertain of what to expect.

They set out on a voyage to somewhere they had never been before. There were not many people that they could compare notes with and few people available to answer questions or give reassurances. Questions like, “hey, what’s it like over there?” or “what do I need to watch out for?” or  “could this or that go wrong?” or “beyond the essentials, are there things I need to have with me?”, were unanswered and if they were, those answers were often inaccurate and inadequate. No one they knew had done it before and no one had the answers that could have prepared them completely for the journey despite their best efforts. I am sure friends and family members thought they were “nuts” for taking on such a venture! Maybe they were. Many didn’t survive the trip. Many faced things they never, ever imagined they would have. They probably second guessed themselves over and over again. Those that did survive had more struggles ahead to survive and thrive, but somehow they did. At some point they realized their only option was to keep going forward because they had come too far to turn back.

I guess this morning I feel a little like they did, if that is possible. A little, because I am aware that I am obviously not an “early pioneer”. They were a breed of courageous that I am not even sure exists in our American “bubble” today. I believe our soldiers posses it, but the average American, myself included, has for the most part lost touch with that kind of spirit. I humbly stand in admiration of those that came before us. I hope to have some of that “stuff.” I need that “stuff”.

I don’t know what this journey has in store for me or my family. I don’t know anyone who has walked what we have been through over the last 9 years or is living through what we are now. I have heard stories like ours, but I have no first hand knowledge. I have no frame of reference. So, everything is uncertain and unknown to me. How this is going to look in the end I am completely uncertain of. That uncertainty is a reality. My hope is to survive and thrive and to find safety and security at the end of this journey. My faith is in my Creator who, no matter what, will not leave, nor forsake us. That is what I hold on to. It’s all I have and I imagine it’s all they had too.

So, those are my “deep thoughts” of the day. Today I meet with a friend that has my back and has faithfully stood in my corner even though understanding this is not easy. It’s not easy for anyone.

Lost a 1/2 lb today, even though my blood sugar has been all over the map. No walk with George, it is pouring outside.

Cheers!

April

9/24/2015, Step One……..

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Stop waiting for things to change. Do something, because it needs to be done. It’s time.

Psalm 46:1, Psalm 119:28, Isaiah 40:31,

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9/22/2015, One Foot in Front of the Other

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goingthroughhellMy central objectives today are focusing on doing what I have to do and remaining in the present. I need to act on what needs to be accomplished and not react to the details surrounding it. I am counting on strength from my Creator.

Going to take a walk with George. Down one more lb for a total of 14.5 lost. IF yesterday seems to have kicked weight loss back into gear. My intent is to stick with it.

Cheers!

April

9/21/2015, Just This

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godgivemestrenghThis seemed to fit.

Today a walk with dear George and lunch with my girl.

Cheers!

April

September 20, 2015 Off The Fence

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Little Girl Superhero

I remember when I was a kid my friends and myself would climb over fences and through yards to get to our destinations rather than go the long way. It was way more fun that way! We fancied ourselves as invincible, like female super heroes, able to climb, jump and scale any obstacle, but of course we were not. We were just playful, silly, adventurous little girls with fantasies of adventure and intrigue. A few of these adventures were a little painful to say the least. We’d suffer many scrapes, lacerations and a few puncture wounds on our thighs, arms and hands as we’d try to scale chain link fences and one in particular that was covered in bob-wire. It is amazing to me now that we were not seriously injured. We’d show up the next weekend to do it again.

Well, it is not just kids that can be detached from reality. Adults can be that way too. Sometimes something can be so obvious yet we won’t move forward because we are afraid or we are in denial and don’t want to believe the truth because it seems less painful. We have gotten accustomed to the “status quot” and although it’s terribly flawed and wrong, we keep trying to make pieces fit that don’t. We stay “on the fence”, paralyzed and unable to go forward when the obvious answer is to get off and make a decision, hopefully the right one, but move on, none the less, because where we have found ourselves is not a safe place to be. We just need to take the first step and climb down.

I am off the fence now.

Today I don’t know if I will get a walk with George. I am going to try to. I am going to work on housework and shop for curtains for the guest room. Blood sugar is good. Weight has not moved. Today is a new day and beautiful one. Go enjoy it!

Cheers!

April

September 18, 2015, The Spin Cycle

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I don’t have a lot to say today. At least not anything that will necessarily will be wildly insightful. I feel like I have been in the “spin cycle” for a few days. This is just my life, the not so great part. This is really personal, but I need a place to put it, so if it bothers you, please move on rather than judge. I have had enough of that over the years…..

I woke up and went through the motions, getting everyone off to school. I walked B and George to school. B walked about 25 feet in front of George and myself today. George wined all the way. He doesn’t understand why B is behaving this way. It is against his “pack mentality” to understand why a member would want to push other members away. To him safety is being together. For B it means just the opposite. George doesn’t understand that no one was really let in to begin with where B is concerned. B is not bonded to our pack. He never has been. Truthfully, I am just the woman that cooks for him, cleans up after him, gives him a place to live and that he steals from and has an intense hatred for, but “mother” is not a word that I would apply to myself where is concerned. My other three, I am beyond blessed to have that bond with, including B’s sister, also adopted. I have tried to be that for him, but he has never allowed that. B is very agitated and rude this morning and thought by doing this that he’d get back at me for grounding him for his recent thefts and night time escapades. I tried to not react to his behavior and stopped traffic for him when I got to the crosswalk so he and another child could get safely across. He didn’t acknowledge me or say goodbye. It was as if I didn’t exist. Maybe for him, I really don’t. Don’t get me wrong, I am not devastated, not anymore, this is the way it has always been, for 9 long years, but I like sleeping at night, soundly and feeling safe, so not being able to experience that this week has taken it’s toll and honestly it grows very old. My female sentiments, my mothering instincts, are all ineffective and unwelcome with him. Women are not his favorite people and he views most of them as “suckers” to be used or manipulated.

During my walk I tried unsuccessfully to center myself and quiet my mind, but my blood sugar, after exercise went from 83 upon waking, to 100 (just my coffee this a.m.) so obviously it did impact me. “Tried” is probably the problem. The striving to be calm often creates anxiety. I am looking forward to tomorrow. I need a day to quiet my mind, rest my body and spend time with my husband and most importantly my Creator. I don’t have any answers right now. I believe my Creator does and I am waiting on Him. The lack of sleep this week has been tough. So, yeah, I am not all sunshine and great news this morning, but this is reality folks and I am not into lying to you or myself. I don’t live that way. If honesty is not something your into you might not want to hang out here. There will be a better day, soon. I will process this and move on. It just takes time after a crisis.I am getting better at it. It’s a little like being thrown in the washer during the spin cycle. Even after you are pulled out to the safety of dry land the world is still a bit discombobulated and you are all wet to boot! Some changes are in the air. I think we are going to have to make some decisions regarding B soon. Something needs to give.

Pilates today. Weight loss still 13.5 lbs, 30.5 lbs to go. I am going to make it. One foot in front of the other.

Shabbat Shalom, Happy Sabbath and have a great weekend (I think that covers most of you 🙂 )

Cheers!

April