So after my morning meditation the question that has been brought to mind is this- “what does this extra weight represent”. Why am I wearing this? What does it mean to me?
Well, years ago, I would have answered that question differently then today. Years ago my answer would have gone something like this:
I am overweight because:
1.) People hurt me/stressed me out/used me/abused me/traumatized me so I became depressed and I ate to cope with those feelings.
2.) I am big boned (which I am not), scales suck, OK some truth there. 🙂 They do suck!
3.) I had two babies. I had difficult pregnancies and I was on bed-rest with both.
4.) I have a hormone disorder.
5.) I like food.
While there is truth in each one of these, except for #2, the central and and root cause of my being overweight has been overlooked by me, in the past, for the sake of my ego. Because, honestly, if I accepted that reason I’d have to take responsibility for it.
The real reason that I am overweight……..drum roll please……….is RESENTMENT.
Resentment, yes, that is correct, anger, is the reason I am overweight. Plain and simple. OK, perhaps not so simple…….
I will try to elaborate some.
I was raised to be a good girl, in a culture that told me to do what I am told no matter what, put up with people’s crap without saying a word and not express my truth or feelings about their actions. I think this is a royally screwed up reality for most humans of the feminine persuasion. And maybe some of the male persuasion as well. Otherwise, I would be known as a bee with a bad itch, if you get my drift. I certainly didn’t want to be known as that, especially in “Christian” circles. Expressing my feelings, about many things, was frowned upon both in the culture and the “church”. Frowned upon even if I was lying to everyone and myself. Are lies acceptable in “Churchianity”? You betcha! Wait! I thought He is the Way, the Truth and the Life and if that is the case why are lies, any lies, acceptable?
STOP! Don’t go there April. We are done with that. That is another blog, remember?! We are moving on girlfriend……. 🙂
So I put up, shut up, went along, sucked it up and lived my like in an obligatory fashion that was a lie, for 40+ years. It got to the point where I didn’t even know how to express a true feeling because I had lost touch with what that meant. I was so busy “acting” the part that I was shut down and unconscious. It got to the point that my entire life, most of it, was a lie. It needed to stop. To have a goal to lose weight and become healthier is noble and good, but it is not enough. At least it wasn’t for me. I tried that and it didn’t work. To make any real change, permanent change, the dis-ease needs to be cut off at the root. The root was anger. It was and is time to let that all go. The weight was and is symbolic of the real issue, and the real issue for me, was that I WAS PISSED!
So looking at myself now I see two things….
1.) I see the damage I have done to myself because of all the anger I have carried for years. Anger is poison to the mind and the body.
2.) I see a human being made in the image of my Creator, worthy of being loved, that needs to be healed, cared for and walk daily in complete Truth.
So today I walked with George, our usual route, in the mist. It felt nice. 🙂
My flip flops fell off at least a dozen times. (Note to self, don’t walk in flip flops, in the rain.)
I want to get a pair of those shoes that look like gloves on your feet. I like the feel of being connected to the frequency of the earth.
Weight did not change from yesterday.
Today, taking a cue from a friend of mine, I did squats and leg lifts (steam engine) for 5 minutes while my tea steeped.Wow, 5 minutes is a long time.
I had BPC this morning and will have breakfast for lunch with yummy greens!
Have a great day world!
P.S. My oldest son showed me this video this a.m. and although it is goofy, I love his message. My son, if you can picture it, was “doing Shia” at me while I did my squats and leg lifts in the kitchen this a.m. So enjoy!