September 18, 2015, The Spin Cycle

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spin cycle

I don’t have a lot to say today. At least not anything that will necessarily will be wildly insightful. I feel like I have been in the “spin cycle” for a few days. This is just my life, the not so great part. This is really personal, but I need a place to put it, so if it bothers you, please move on rather than judge. I have had enough of that over the years…..

I woke up and went through the motions, getting everyone off to school. I walked B and George to school. B walked about 25 feet in front of George and myself today. George wined all the way. He doesn’t understand why B is behaving this way. It is against his “pack mentality” to understand why a member would want to push other members away. To him safety is being together. For B it means just the opposite. George doesn’t understand that no one was really let in to begin with where B is concerned. B is not bonded to our pack. He never has been. Truthfully, I am just the woman that cooks for him, cleans up after him, gives him a place to live and that he steals from and has an intense hatred for, but “mother” is not a word that I would apply to myself where is concerned. My other three, I am beyond blessed to have that bond with, including B’s sister, also adopted. I have tried to be that for him, but he has never allowed that. B is very agitated and rude this morning and thought by doing this that he’d get back at me for grounding him for his recent thefts and night time escapades. I tried to not react to his behavior and stopped traffic for him when I got to the crosswalk so he and another child could get safely across. He didn’t acknowledge me or say goodbye. It was as if I didn’t exist. Maybe for him, I really don’t. Don’t get me wrong, I am not devastated, not anymore, this is the way it has always been, for 9 long years, but I like sleeping at night, soundly and feeling safe, so not being able to experience that this week has taken it’s toll and honestly it grows very old. My female sentiments, my mothering instincts, are all ineffective and unwelcome with him. Women are not his favorite people and he views most of them as “suckers” to be used or manipulated.

During my walk I tried unsuccessfully to center myself and quiet my mind, but my blood sugar, after exercise went from 83 upon waking, to 100 (just my coffee this a.m.) so obviously it did impact me. “Tried” is probably the problem. The striving to be calm often creates anxiety. I am looking forward to tomorrow. I need a day to quiet my mind, rest my body and spend time with my husband and most importantly my Creator. I don’t have any answers right now. I believe my Creator does and I am waiting on Him. The lack of sleep this week has been tough. So, yeah, I am not all sunshine and great news this morning, but this is reality folks and I am not into lying to you or myself. I don’t live that way. If honesty is not something your into you might not want to hang out here. There will be a better day, soon. I will process this and move on. It just takes time after a crisis.I am getting better at it. It’s a little like being thrown in the washer during the spin cycle. Even after you are pulled out to the safety of dry land the world is still a bit discombobulated and you are all wet to boot! Some changes are in the air. I think we are going to have to make some decisions regarding B soon. Something needs to give.

Pilates today. Weight loss still 13.5 lbs, 30.5 lbs to go. I am going to make it. One foot in front of the other.

Shabbat Shalom, Happy Sabbath and have a great weekend (I think that covers most of you 🙂 )

Cheers!

April

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