Monthly Archives: October 2015

10/30/2015, Keep Moving

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Count down has begun and in the process things have been tense. It has been a week of intensity. It is in the air and it has been a battle to remain non reactive to that energy all around me. I am in “internal” reactor so you’d never know it looking at me, and try as I might to prevent it, my body is testifying to the stress. It made me good at my job when I worked in emergency medicine and I was young enough not to be cognizant of the impact of the trauma around me to my health. Not the case anymore. I am very aware. Part of it, I am sure, is my own processing of all that is occurred in the past and that which is about to occur. The past and the future, that which in quantum time, no longer exist or perhaps won’t, have dominated my thoughts. I have had trouble remaining present this week as a result and that has been a bit paralyzing and has made getting things accomplished difficult. And it has made me very, very tired. My mind seems intent on obsessing. I don’t know why I get like that exactly. Maybe, in time, that will be revealed. I wonder sometimes how much our mind manifests in the form of perception and how much of that is accurate or simply invention. It would be nice if it could be measured and we could switch off that which was false or not reality. It seems like a tremendous waste of energy. None the less, it has been a wrestling of sorts as we gear up to admit our adopted son into a residential treatment facility for the treatment of reactive attachment disorder. All I can do is keep moving and that is what I intend to do.

Have a good day!

Cheers!

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10/28/2015, Life’s Adjustments

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Loss. Illness. Death. Divorce. Marriage. Birth. Change of employment status. Relocation. Natural disasters.The list goes on and on and on…….

All adjustments.

All potential traumas.

Even positive change in our lives can cause stress to the fragile human psyche.

Even with positive change we must find our position once again because it rocks our world.

Change is part of life, yet we all struggle when change comes.

Finding our footing when our foundation or more likely our perceived foundation is rocked can be difficult to say the least. Especially if we are trying. Trying is our biggest mistake. Stop. Be still.

Perception. We think we have a handle on what it is but the reality that we perceive is a mere 4% of everything that exists. This fact testifies to the contrary. We know very little about our reality. We know very little about truth.

Be Still.

Know.

He is God, Elohim, Mighty One. Get above the words, He is above that. Wordless Word.

All is sand beneath our feet. He is the only solid that exists. Everything else is fluid. Limited. Corrupt. Unstable. Moving. Shaky. Unpredictable, regardless of what Newton said, that theory is gone now.

Be Still.

Know.

He is God, Elohim, Might One.

Solid.

Real.

Reality.

Cheers!

April

10/26/2015, The Confounding World of the Appeaser

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ap·pease

(ə-pēz′)

tr.v.ap·peased, ap·peas·ing, ap·peas·es

1.

a. To placate or attempt to placate (a threatening nation, for example) by granting concessions, often at the expense of principle.
b. To calm, soothe, or quiet (someone): appeased the baby with a pacifier.
2. To satisfy, relieve, or assuage: appease one’s thirst.
 
Most people function in one of two categories and often vacillate between the two quite unconsciously. They are either the bully or the appeaser. There is a category that most do not fit into, but should. Jesus or Yeshua was the ultimate example of that. For lack of a better term, we will call it “enlightened” or having “Christ consciousness.” That is a broad topic that I can’t explore too much today but Jesus was both gentle and strong. Loving but truthful. Balanced. Anyway, another story for another time. Today I want to explore what it means to be an appeaser. You see, I use to be one. I am a recovering appeaser. “Co-dependent” is a term from modern psychology that would closely resemble such a state.
 
 
The problem with being an appeaser is that it emboldens evil. What looks like “being nice” is actually destructive to the person who is the recipient of the placating behavior and also everyone around him or her. When evil is unaddressed and tolerated it spreads, multiplies and grows.
 
Probably the best example of this in history was British Prime Minister’s Chamberlain’s policy of appeasement that emboldened Hitler and was a driving force for WWII. Appeasement in a political context is a diplomatic policy of making political or material concessions to an enemy power in order to avoid conflict, but very evidently, it did the opposite. Can I tell you that in all of your relationships appeasing someone when they are clearly, morally wrong will do the very same thing. It will embolden a monster and that monster will create chaos. This principle works no matter what the context. You could say that the world, particularly Great Britain and The United States, made Hitler what he was. They created him or what he became. He was unchecked and out of control because when there was a window to control him that opportunity was not taken and he was emboldened by such inaction.
 
When we make concessions to an abuser we create chaos in our own lives and potentially in the lives of others. That abuser can be in any relational role, be it a friend, relative, spouse, colleague, employer or even a child. When we do not draw a line when a line needs to be drawn we will pay a heavy price, eventually. Initially it may seem like you are winning the favor of the abuser but it doesn’t take long for the tables to turn when they become certain of their power over you.

“Truth without love kills, but love without truth lies.” Eberhard Arnold

Have a good one!
Cheers!
April

10/23/2015, Harsh

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Good morning peeps. Hope you all are doing well out there in cyber land.

It has been quite a week. There is a lot I have to get done and a lot of change is on the horizon. It is rather consuming to be honest and probably will be for the next few weeks. Change always involves adjustment. It is a hard change that is coming but a good one as well.

I am hoping that with the stress level subsiding in the next few weeks that the scale will move downward. I don’t think that the caffeine is helping and I will probably start to reduce it, if not eliminate it, entirely in the coming weeks. Right now it is keeping me going. I am typically a “cold turkey” kind of gal, when I get rid of things in my life, but I think I am going to take this slower this time. I think I am going to take everything a little slower and be more gentle with myself. I have been through a lot and I need time to heal and being hard on myself isn’t going to help that happen. My adrenals are on high gear right now and that is not good. I can’t take any more beating. I think with time and rest I will not only heal but weight loss will naturally occur.

Harsh. I think I have been downright harsh with myself and demanding. It is time to accept and love myself “warts and all”! We do the best we know to do in this world and if we would have known better most of us would choose to do better. I sometimes wish I had a time machine but if I did I wouldn’t have learned what I have learned.

I have to run. Kids to get off to school and preparation for the Sabbath. So glad it’s almost here. I need a rest.

Cheers!

April

10/22/2015, Decision Made

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A decision has been made.

So yesterday we found a therapeutic boys home for our son to go to for a year. Our youngest son has Reactive Attachment Disorder, Oppositional Defiant Disorder and Attention Deficit Disorder. These mental/emotional illnesses stem from his time in foster care and neglect he endured prior to our adopting him at 3 1/2 and his younger 1/2 sister at 16 months. The fact that he is also drug exposed is probably not helpful either. He came to our home very damaged and despite trying everything we knew to do to help him he hasn’t not gotten better. The kind of behaviors that he exhibits are some of the following: Continual lying, charming people to get what he wants or frame his “innocence” when caught, manipulation, night wandering, destruction of property, theft, violence towards other children, triangulating adults, an attitude of entitlement, blame shifting, causing extreme chaos, disrespect, and a constant need to be in control all the time. For 9 1/2 years our family, the other 5 of us, have been put through the ringer. We have to have 3 alarms on his door at night to sleep and keep our youngest daughter safe from him. I have no idea what he is capable of anymore because he keeps raising the bar where these behaviors are concerned.

I am not developing any expectations for his return a year from now. If he chooses not to get better he won’t and we will have to figure that out in a year. This has been an extremely difficult decision but enough is enough.

I am looking forward to rest, much needed healing and hopefully, finally, some peace in our home. And now I need a job to pay for his care. I am looking forward to being around other adults because it’s been kind of lonely for Rapunzel up here in the tower. I haven’t been able to work because he can’t be left unsupervised and most employers are not real keen on you bringing your child to the workplace, especially those with criminal tendencies.

Thank you for your prayers and support during this difficult time.

Cheers!

April

10/21/2015, Fork in the Road

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For so many years now I have been caught up in “ideal”. I wanted the correct, best, perfect circumstances and outcomes etc., for everything and for everyone in my life. But some things are just not that way and no amount of trying is going to change it. I can’t fix this. It’s all damage control at this point. So settling for the best possible scenario, not the perfect one, is sometimes the only option. So, we have come to a fork in the road. Formally, there were no known affordable possibilities, and now there are a few, but they are less than ideal and the more I search the more I find that the perfect option does not exist. I don’t want to make a mistake but it seems we have to make a choice now, the best possible one, that we can afford, for everyone and someone is going to get the short end of the stick. There is no way around it. I just don’t want to make a bad choice, from many years ago, worse than it already is, so I am wrestling today. I am seeking Wisdom and I am seeking Guidance.

I can’t write anymore today. I need to quiet the chatter in my head and listen to my conscience. I will check in with you tomorrow. Have a good day. 🙂

Cheers.

April

10/20/2015, Plan “B”

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Good morning.

Today I am not going to say much because I am a little disappointed that plan “A” failed and a little overwhelmed that I still don’t have a solution for a very difficult problem and I feel like it is up to me to figure it out. Right now that is kind of my “job” until I can have one and when I am able to have one, the sole purpose of that job, will be to pay for treatment and or boarding for our adopted son who has severe behavioral problems.

If that sounds confusing and a bit “Dr. Phil”, it is. Sorry about that. Welcome to my reality.

I have no intention of going on “Dr. Phil” by the way.

Anyway, today, I need to let go of the idea of plan “A” and trudge forward towards plan “B”. There are no manuals written on this stuff so I am kind of going at it in the dark and have been for many years now. I am hoping for Guidance, I need it. It would be nice if someone came by that had been this way, but that hasn’t happened much in the last 9 years and I can’t hold out for it now.

Disappointment, move on, there is no time for you and you are getting in my way.

Overwhelming feelings, take a hike, you are not an option.

Self pity, you are counterproductive, move on.

Cast your cares on Him because He cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

One to plan “B”.

Cheers!

April