Welcome to another Monday. While meditating this morning I had a few realizations that honestly made me laugh. It is such a testament to the irrationality of our collective unconsciousness and it’s impact on our thinking. We all see “in part” and while I’d like to believe I am fully conscious being, that simply isn’t a destination anyone arrives at quickly. I discovered yet more irrational thought patterns. I suppose given our dual natures this process is continual until full regeneration. Paul said in Romans 7:19, “For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do.” I suppose the beginnings of all this is conceived in the mind. At the core of dysfunction is doubt, not faith. Not a judgement at all, merely an observation. We all wrestle.
Part of me was trying to still my mind and meditate and another part of me gripping onto to the next day’s plans and troubles that I am currently facing. So much so, it was very difficult to meditate. I asked myself “why I was holding on” rather than resting, being present, in His Presence? The answer I received was surprising and comically illogical. That part of me is fearful that letting go will mean I forget and not attend to what I need to. It’s highly concerned with the outcome, fearful even that the desired one will not be successful.That makes me laugh because I am surrounded by these things and they are not going anywhere unless I move them or some sort of outside force does. Change may take time but is inevitable as the motion is forward. I’d have to be blind and deaf to not be aware of these problem’s existence. So, in essence, I couldn’t forget these things even if I tried. Meditation is a short vacation from them but they are not going anywhere and they will certainly be there when I come back. I kind of wonder if like heavy bricks they are harder to move because a part of my mind fights resting (presence) from trying to move them when I need to. A paradox. Everything is a paradox. A recess or time out from the mental effort would probably make my efforts and work towards resolution and completion easier rather than harder. Yet, there is a part of me that stubbornly attempts to refuse that rest because it fears the lack of control I suppose. That is the very apparent the action of the ego/flesh. It seems counterproductive but the ego is pretty much reliably counterproductive towards logical and objective efforts and in the end makes effort much harder than it needs to be.
The second realization happened a few days ago and I shared it with a friend who is also very introspective and searching. We are a small minority and I am grateful for these talks we have. I realized I have tied resentment towards certain “objects” that remind me of people that have either disappointed me or betrayed my trust in some way. I thought this was interesting as well and probably very primal, brought on by trauma and rooted and stored in the amygdala portion of the brain. I thought about our dog, George, and his irrational fear of our mail box, having witnessed the mail lady slamming it closed and it “eating” our mail on one of his walks as a puppy. He has attached strong emotion to the mail box because he experienced trauma connected to it and we can not walk anywhere near it without him turning into a frightened bucking bronco. It is interesting how remarkably similar we are to animals when trauma and resentment have their way with us and of course in ways we are rarely cognizant of. I suppose the only possible difference is “potential” awareness of these things leading to growth of the prefrontal cortex, increased logic, and subsequent shrinking of the amygdala. Truly the only action of the brain that attests to our humanity. It is unbelievable how unaware we are of why we react like we do and the irrationality surrounding our response. It makes me ponder about what else might lurk under the hood. Trauma is a cruel thing and can activate the scared animal residing within our craniums. Someday that animal will take a hike.
So, those are my deep thoughts for today. Thanks for reading.