10/13/2015, Don’t Look Back

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don'tlookback

I am sitting here this morning with only a few minutes to spare. I am unsure of what to write this morning. Yesterday I wrestled with regret over choices made long ago. I do that far too often and I am trying to stop but my situation is in my face daily so it is difficult to silence those thoughts. Regret is kind of a waste of time really but an interesting movie plot none the less. I imagined a scenario where I could go back and talk to myself, the self that I was 10 years ago, and explain some things and undo some bad choices that looked like good choices at the time. A little like Peggy Sue Got Married only set in the early 2000s’. Then I thought that I probably wouldn’t listen because I wasn’t who I am today, back then. This situation has changed me and I will never be that person again. Sometimes I miss her, the naive woman I was, but other times I realize that it is right that she is no more. She had to go. I wish wisdom could be gained by a shot or a pill, like in The Matrix, but I guess the way most of us learn is by experience. Many experiences I can try to wish away but they are still a reality and the consequences of this reality really suck! How is that for literary depth?

Well, C.S. Lewis put it better:

“Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn.”

Brilliant.

We have to deal with what we are dealt and most of the time it begins with our choices. Some choices are innocuous, some are harmful and some are lethal. This one has been incredibly harmful. It was never intended to be but good intentions have paved a hell laden road for sure. I have yet to see bargaining to make it all go away an effective strategy although God knows I have tried. At some point there will be a light at the end of this tunnel but the tunnel will remain. There is no way out but through with this one it seems. I am praying for strength for us this morning, for those of us that are trying to make it through a dark place. Today I will just keep walking forward and at some point the momentum will make a dent. One foot in front of another. I need to stop looking back…..

Pilates today, other errands and hopefully a break through.

Cheers!

April

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