Let Go of my EGO

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ego

If you don’t want to drown you better let go of what is dragging you down.

So I haven’t been here in a while. I apologize but I have been rather “caught up” in the job hunting process. I am a bit confounded by what has changed in the job market, to be honest, but am slowly adapting and learning how to market my skills. I spent the last 15 years either self employed or working for a dear friend so obviously a lot has changed and I am learning the ropes. My days are filled with hours and hours of filling out on-line job applications and meeting people that tell me that I need to fill out on on-line job application rather than speak to them.  :/  Fun…not.  Gone are the days of walking in, looking someone in the eye, shaking hands and having an impromptu conversation whilst handing someone, a real human being, a resume.

It has been 19 days since we dropped off our adopted son (with reactive attachment disorder: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ypmGTGGN7A ) at a residential treatment facility. Due to his unpredictable behavior, even at age 12, he needed constant supervision so consequently I have not been able to work since February. My previous employer, dear friend, allowed me to bring him when need be, i.e. vacations and school holidays. We never had a consistent babysitter or support equipped to handle him so he came with me frequently for the safety of his younger sibling and frankly to keep our home and valuables safe. Now he is no longer living with our family and is being treated for his mental illness several states away. I need to work and want to work but that is proving to be a different “ballgame” then I remember. So it has been 19 days, minus Sabbaths, housework, cooking and “mental health days” of job hunting. I read that on average it can take 4 months of job hunting to land a position. This gives me some comfort. I have a lot to learn but I first needed to shift my energy from being ambitious, which involved fear (resentment) and frustration, to an attitude of peace, perseverance and acceptance of whatever may or may not come. It took me a while to notice that my ego was getting involved in the venture and to correct that and step back a bit. I think my first clue was the first rejection letter I received and the subsequent internal reaction I experienced. It hurt and if I wasn’t attached to the outcome, it wouldn’t have. Everything and anything that causes us pain is the result of attachment. Sneaky little snake. :/

***Warning***

Deep realization ahead….

Beyond the danger of attachment, I am increasingly coming to believe that the born again process (yes I believe it to be a process, not an absolute or a given) is more about consciousness, first and foremost, than anything else. My personal belief is that it is a prerequisite of regeneration very contrary to religious dogma and tradition. (It’s OK if you call me a heretic, it won’t be the first time in the last 5 years) If one is not aware of the state of his or her being how can they choose to be delivered from it? Awareness or consciousness is step one in that process. The letter kills and the Spirit gives life. One’s phonetic pronunciation of a Name that isn’t even known to human ears or supposed strict adherence to ancient writing on paper that has been re-translated over and over again, and quite often with human agenda, will not change or regenerate them. The Word of God isn’t a what but rather a “Whom” and is entirely wordless in the human sense. There is a reason He told Moses, “I AM” rather than “Hi I am Joe.” He doesn’t need our “language” to BE. In addition, it isn’t so much what we do but who we are that is crucial and what we do, or not do, comes from consciousness and  the conscious and that still small Voice, the Bat Kol. Does obedience matter? Sure, but you kind of need to know who is giving direction to follow them. And, in my opinion this is not an instantaneous thing. “Christ consciousness” is real and the kingdom of heaven is truly within not within nationalized or territorial physical borders. Everything is spiritual and what we see isn’t at all what things are. What we see is a flawed and corrupt image but not the thing itself.

***I am done now, you can breathe. ***

So, I don’t know what the future holds or what will or will not happen. I choose to let that go.

So that is it for today. Catch you later.

Be Still and Know http://antidoteforall.com/

Cheers!

April 🙂

 

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2 responses »

  1. Awesome reflections. So very true. Nothing will change our behavior until we let Father change us from within, including who we think we are and who we think He is. So much to ponder and release. So much to receive if only we let the truth sink in. Process indeed! Shabbat shalom, sweet sister.

    Liked by 1 person

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