It is very interesting to me how our minds concoct a story around who we we are, based on past stress and trauma, and when we try to change that “story” or alter it in anyway it can be a little like trying to free one’s self from quicksand. Our story can limit us and stunt our growth as a human beings and prevent us from being a blessing to others and functioning in our calling. Our story keeps us in the past and unable to move forward. It keeps us from embracing and enjoying now and as a result we miss life!
I went out to a movie and lunch with my little girl yesterday. Afterwards we walked through stores at an outdoor mall. Simple things, like this, four weeks ago, we could not do unless we wanted to pay a price. You have to understand that this wasn’t just something we were able to do, for most of the past decade. We tried but her brother always made it chaotic so I stopped trying, for years. We pretty much didn’t leave the house unless we needed to because every time I had tried, over and over again, it mostly ended up in disaster of one sort or another. This is a child that thrived on constant chaos and created it where ever we would go. He is getting the help he needs now and we are learning to get used to a new “normal” which we have not known for a very long time.We ate at 5 Guys and I could swear I had never done that before, ever. I have no memory of it. My husband told me that he and I had in fact been there before. That is so strange to me. Perhaps the memory lapse is from stress? It was such a treat none the less. It’s fun experiencing something for the first time, again, LOL. 🙂
So I found myself relaxing and enjoying our time yesterday and just moving freely through stores with no fear of someone stealing anything or misbehaving to get attention. We just enjoyed ourselves. We were relaxed. What a concept! It felt really good to not feel “on guard” and be in a public place. I could feel a little panic rising up in my chest and my breathing becoming shallow, for no reason. “The story” was trying to come back, but I just kept breathing and it passed, eventually. It was a lie. My mind was not easily releasing me from the quicksand. But I see “it” and that is 1/2 the battle. I know what it is or rather was.
This was my old story:
Married mother of 4 kids, 2 biological and 2 adopted, struggling very hard with 1 of them.
Traumatized from that experience, almost daily.
Trapped and unable to live normally (can’t shower, use the bathroom or leave the room without an alarm set at home and in public places needed to be on guard and very rarely leave the house for that reason).
Almost totally isolated (no one understands this, we don’t even understand this, and we have very little support). Isolation is unbearable at times.
Lost my religion. So disillusioned with people’s behaviors that I spend years searching for the truth and dismissing a great deal of what I once believed based on my discoveries. A bit angry over what I discovered and having been lied to.
Unable to take care of myself because this child demands constant attention. Every attempt is met with retribution.
My weight skyrockets. My adrenals are barely functioning.
Depressed and having panic attacks daily. Food and drink are used to numb out from the constant emotional pain.
Had kitchen incident, after being distracted when son was acting out at the table during breakfast one morning, and I partially amputated a finger on my poor husband’s birthday. Finger no longer straightens and I cannot feel it. It is irreparable. It still hurts from time to time.
Closed successful business after lower back gave out (probably from the stress) and now unable to work outside the home because there is no one to watch a child that is now old enough to take care of himself because of severity of behaviors. So, even more trapped.
My husband and myself have become soldiers in a unwinnable war together. Although this has grown us and forced us to become closer it makes it difficult to be a normal couple.
My sister disowned me for reasons I still don’t understand. That was a very painful loss and after 4 attempts to reach out to her and reconcile were met with rejection, I gave up.
And the list goes on and on……
I am tired of the list so I made a new one. I changed my story!!
Here is my new story and I expect it to keep changing, for the better!
Married mother of 4 children. 3 of my children are wonderful people and revealing how amazing they are daily. One is very sick and no longer lives in our home and likely, if we can swing it, won’t again. We do not have what it takes to care for him any longer and that is OK.
Healing from trauma, daily, and very, very thankful!
Not trapped!!! I can move freely about my home. I can sleep in if I want. I can use the bathroom and shower, without an alarm set, and likely now everything will be OK. I can go out in public and enjoy the experience of everything out there!
Able to connect with people and spend time making new friends and loving on the old ones that stuck around. They are gold! So grateful! Not isolated anymore!
Lost my religion but I am finding the Kingdom, within! I am not attached to outcomes or people’s opinions or misinformation anymore and I have no resentment about their poor behavior or lack of character. People can only behave at the level of their consciousness and most of us “only see in part”. I love them, where they are and for who they are, now, and I have no bad feelings if they choose not to be part of my life anymore. I let them go. This is love. No attachment.
I have freedom to care for myself and slowly I am learning to do that.
I have lost 20 lbs. I am sleeping mostly through the night now and when I wake up, I am actually awake! I am healing!
Not depressed. That seemed to decrease when the attachments did. As I let go of people, outcomes, plans etc. the depression lifted! Growth has occurred. I see things I never saw before. Love this freedom!!
I can live with the finger and barely notice it now. It doesn’t stop me from doing what I want to do.
Thinking of all the possibilities! I am going to find a wonderful job. I may reopen my business at some point. I think about writing and pursuing my art. I am not focused on the “how” anymore. I am focused on the “why” and finding my passion and calling. This is a new way of thinking for me and I am excited to see where it takes me! This is not the end, it is the beginning!!
Learning to have fun with my husband again and not have to be in a “war” together.
I wish my sister well, where ever and who ever she is. I am not angry with her and I am not sad anymore. I want only the best for her and I let her go. I respect her freedom to make her own choices even if I do not understand them.
In fact I pretty much feel that way about everyone.
So that is my new story that I am adding to, in a good way, daily.
What is yours and how does it need to change?