Monthly Archives: January 2016

Hot Coffee

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This morning it is 26 degrees where I live. That is pretty cold for our neck of the woods. The coffee is more for warmth than drinking this morning. I think I am absorbing the heat out of it as my hands grip the hot cup because it is cooling pretty quickly. I really prefer cooler weather because I sleep better but it is the waking up that can be tough when I am sleeping this well. My dreams have been vivid lately and the kind that I should be writing down. They are so entertaining that I want to keep sleeping to learn what the end will be but I always seem to wake before they are done. Man! ☺

I meet the most interesting people while I am out and about and pretty randomly. I ran into one of my Trader Joe’s buddies yesterday. I drive way far away to do our grocery shopping because we try to eat clean and TJ’s has amazing prices on a majority of the things we buy. (This is not a paid endorsement) Anything I can’t get there I pick up at Whole Paycheck, I mean Whole Foods (joke is getting old I know, but it is true $$$), and then head home. Anyway, Trader Joe’s hires some of the coolest people I have ever met. I have a few friends there but this gal is on a similar journey and we talked about not reacting to other people’s drama, remaining calm and objective and many other cool things we are learning. She tends to absorb and feel the struggles of others like I do and also has the same knee jerk reaction of trying to fix things. Learning to manage and control that urge to right other people’s world that is not something people who don’t struggle with that understand very well. It is a meeting of kindred spirits I guess and a cool experience when it happens. It is nice to feel a little less alone. The problem with trying to fix things for others is that it robs them the opportunity to “see” themselves and it sucks the life out of the person trying to be the “hero”. We both have experienced that and are learning to observe and walk away when need be. Bad habits die hard!

Diet on track. Exercise not. I am trying to figure out how to adapt it to my new schedule now that I am working outside the home and still not feeling 100%. I think this is the longest head cold ever! So trying to be patient with myself and not fall into self condemnation. I will get there. One foot in front of the other.

So enjoy this little tune and stay warm!

Cheers!

April

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Some Days…

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It is funny how difficult it can be to get back into a routine after having time off. I recently had a 3 day weekend and it was so nice! I was supposed to have 4 days off but a co-worker needed me to cover her day for her so I went in yesterday.

Yesterday was set to be a 9 1/2 hour day but turned into a 10 hour day with no breaks. So I hit the ground running and today my body is feeling it. In addition to that, I am still getting over a cold and it seemed to be better but has returned some along with some Peri-menopausal unpleasantness. This is probably due to not eating as well as I should have in December. I am open book, so sorry if that offended anyone but if you know me you know better than to expect me to be anything but real with you. You will just have to put up with my kvetching for a bit if you don’t mind. Thanks. ♥

This is real life and it is real, not pretend. The last few days have been a struggle emotionally. I know what I am feeling is not real in terms of anything externally wrong. I know this is all virus and rogue chemicals but the experience internally feels real and frankly it sucks. Not every day can be a ‘victorious one’. That was one of the things about mainstream Christianity that I had a real problem with. Or maybe fundamentalist Christianity. Or maybe just our culture in general. Probably all of the above. I don’t know. I remember a friend and former mentor telling me, “just fake it hon, the devil don’t know the difference!”. What a load of crap. Sorry, love that woman, all due respect, but that is a lie. That isn’t real. That isn’t the human experience. I still have to live in this body last I checked and it has some issues. Some days are just a struggle. As adults we forget to be honest about that and it is inferred that we shouldn’t be and I believe that is why our struggles tend to last as long as they do and are even more difficult to get over. I believe that is one of the reasons we get angry and depressed. It is the same in any language and kids are honest….unlike most adults, sadly.

So honesty it is. Feeling rough today. Hoping it will pass soon. I might cry in my eggs for a bit (I am a “Paleo eater” after all) but in the end I will pull it together,  get on with it and do what I have to do. That is the great thing about honesty. Once it is out, it’s out. I think she made it to kindergarten and had a better day, don’t you?

Back on track diet wise. Feeling crummy so no exercise today. I will get there. One foot in front of the other.

Cheers!

April

 

Her

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Little Girl Superhero

 

So I have stopped by today without a clue of what I am going to write. I usually wait for some inspiration but I have begun to wonder if the belief that I have to wait for some sort of “ah ha” moment to write something is an erroneous belief. So, I am just showing up. Cease talks a lot about “not planning” and that most creativity springs forth from not knowing or planning what one is going to say. Masters says the same. He also talks about being comfortable with fear and being cognizant of it rather than trying to deny it’s existance or resenting it. Somehow with the mere observation of “it”, fear will begin to diminish and shrink. It doesn’t like to be “seen”. He will often say he doesn’t know what he is going to say, it just happens. Many other gifted speakers and writers say the same. So I have decided to bridge out from sitting, waiting and hoping  for some sort of inspiration to hit me and just walk forward and do my thing, sink or swim. No plan.

I have been thinking a lot about why I haven’t finished a novel yet. I have started and stopped 3. It is not about not being capable because if one looks at the amount of blogging and journaling I have done over the years I could put together 10 novels. I was listening to a well known author talk about the impedes behind different sorts of author’s writings. Some writers can write all the time no matter life’s circumstances. Words come forth from their souls like water from a fountain and it is effortless for them. They have no belief that they couldn’t do otherwise. So, they just do it. Other writers have to experience the difficulties, trials and tribulations of life and that experience serves as their inspiration. They have to push through dense walls of misinformation accumulated from years of negative programming. These individuals struggled with self doubt, fear and a lack of confidence but at some point they got back in touch with what they once had and who they were as a child and overcame those obstacles. I am a member of the latter group. I am in that process of tearing down walls of misinformation and wrong thinking. I really believe we are all given gifts and purposes that we are fully aware of as a child but at some point, sadly, for most of us, those flames are doused and put out. Well meaning adults, family, friends, society, culture and even religion say and do things that attempt to extinguish any remaining embers because many of us have a poor ability to shut the world and it’s worthless noise out of our minds. It has taken me well over 40 years to gain awareness that many of my thoughts and beliefs were never really mine to begin with. Nor did they proceed from the heavens, they came from the opposite to be frank. They were inserted there and because I was a fairly fearful and traumitized child open to suggestion the world gave me they invaded my being. I unconsciously consumed this misinformation like poison and it became part of me. Those lies are the me that is not me. They are useless and harmful programs that somehow made their way in my programming and I am seeing them now and purging them on a continual basis.

When I was a child one day I was a cowgirl riding the range in the wild, wild west. The next day I was a spy in a foreign country somewhere on a secret mission to save the world. The day after that I was trapeze artist, flying through the air, doing flips and soaring above heads of a stunned and delighted audience. Every day nothing was impossible and I could do anything. The world hadn’t told me anything different, yet. My mind could take me anywhere and everywhere I wanted to go. That changed for many, many years. The child went away. I thought, for a season, that she was gone for good and that felt like death. Thankfully, I am rediscovering her again. She looks a lot different on the outside but she is still in there on the inside demanding I wake up and hear her once again. She has a plan. She giggles and gleefully whispers it in my ear. “Come on” she nudges, “let’s do it!”

So, let the adventure begin!

Cheers!

April

 

 

 

 

Obligatory

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It’s rather cliche, the whole New Years resolution thing. Obligatory promises have a habit of ultimately being violated. Always and most of the time without fail, as it is the nature of our flesh/ego to self sabotage, history has shown we do. So, I don’t make them, resolutions, and I don’t give the 1st of January any real significance in my life. I don’t party or stay up until midnight or do anything else one might think of as a “proper bringing in of the New Year”. Not because I have anything against having a drink or two or foregoing sleep for a bit of fun. There is just too much from an historical aspect that gives me pause about giving any special credence to this day. I have to say, this year, I am grateful to have some time off from work, so I am not complaining. I need the rest. So, I don’t consider January 1st in and of itself a new beginning really. I don’t have any issue with others doing with it what they will, and there is no judgement towards anyone, but I consider each moment a potential new beginning, not just one day. So that being said, that is where I will start, here and now. I will leave the historical facts about the history of this celebration, as fascinating as I might find them, out of this blog and focus on the present. If you want to know more, just ask. I have found that most people don’t want to know these things and I find forcing information on unwilling recipients to be be rather coercive. So, I will respectfully leave it there.

The present is where I find myself and intend to stay.

Yesterday and tomorrow are mere figments of our imaginations. They don’t exist in the “now.” And “now” is all we have. Tomorrow has enough trouble of it’s own so leave it alone. Don’t look back from the plow, there is nothing for you there, as it is gone and passed way. This is the way I choose to shape my thinking and it brings me peace. I am the thinker, not the thinking.

I have spent the last 8 weeks recovering, in a good way, from the changes that have occurred in my life and in the lives of those closest to me. My mind made more steady progress than my flesh as from time to time I would have panic attacks, a racing of the heart and a feeling of my throat closing in, for no apparent reason. I was familiar with these sensations as years ago I suffered the same malady for about a period of a year after being in involved in a serious car accident. They defy logic, these episodes. There is no “present” reason for them. The body is processing past trauma and the mind has little control over it. Somehow the awareness of the chemical reaction taking place in my body has lessened the frequency of them, these attacks, over time, and made them a lot less frightening than they were 28 years ago after my accident. I expect them to slowly fade and stop occurring hopefully soon. “Seeing” or “Awareness” is half the battle in everything we face.

I immediately went to job hunting after getting back from dropping off my adopted son in the residential treatment home he now resides in. Four weeks passed and I finally landed a job. It felt like a year as I dumped resume after resume into the black hole of the internet. Finally success came in a string of offers and a choice had to be made and was. One thing I have come to learn from this process is that once someone has been self employed, as I have, it is very difficult to transition back into the corporate world. I like the people I work with but learning the job has been difficult and challenging as there was not much time taken to train me. I had to figure it out mostly on my own. Sink or swim. Things are done ways that I would not necessarily do them and I have to adapt to a philosophy that I don’t fully grasp. So I have had to make a lot of mistakes and errors and learn from them without condemning myself in the process. I work with the public and they are not always as gracious with my learning curve. I have become very aware that my tendency is to unconsciously aim for perfection and then berate myself up when the outcome is less than satisfactory. I had to examine that and understand the irrationality of such thinking. It is rooted in people pleasing (an old pattern of mine) which is ultimately rooted in putting people on pedestals’ where they don’t belong. To be blunt, people worshipping. Or at least their opinions. The fear of man is a snare. Indeed it is. Respect is merited but subjugation ridiculous. When I “saw” this things got easier. I won’t say that I don’t struggle with it still but I will say that I “see” it and like the physical panic attacks, I started having after dropping B off, this irrational thought pattern seems to be evaporating as well.

My eating hasn’t been ideal since November 1st, nor has my exercise. There is a time for everything and I needed to focus on mental and spiritual recovery in my being. That had to be the priority and some things needed to be left alone for a season. The strict standards I had given myself prior to November needed a respite while the healing began and continues. Meditation was about the only thing that I have been able to do, consistently, since then. I accept and embrace that.

So, now, yes now, I am ready to start disciplining my body once more. I will not condemn myself for having had some time off from that journey. I needed it. I needed to step away and deal with my wounds, heal from the trauma and stress of a very difficult situation and that is OK. I will trudge forward now because I am ready and I now want to, and not out of guilt or obligation. Not out of self condemnation or a desire to punish myself. I will take it slow, easy and lovingly. I have had a history of being harsh with myself and I honestly do not respond very well to that. I don’t think most people do, at least for very long. It very likely adds to my adrenal stress which is counterintuitive. This is not a New Year’s resolution, nor an obligation or even a promise, it is just a new day full of freedom and pregnant with potential new beginnings.

Cheers!

April