I haven’t been here in a long while. “It” has been inside my head but I couldn’t get “it” out! Something has been blocking “it”. Painting and pouring it out on canvas helped but was definitely not as satisfactory as writing. It happens once in a while when I get tired or I am occupying myself with things that just don’t fit properly in my life. It’s like the “flow” just gets clogged up and I can’t access “it” until I figure out what I am doing that is violating my soul. I don’t know if that will make sense to many but I guess at this point a little update is in order. So here it goes….
So last we spoke I mentioned I was still muddling through grief and healing from the last decade or so of a very stressful situation in my life that pretty much had me living in a state of fight or flight continually. Although still healing, I am doing better now. Just to recap, this has taken quite a toll on me, mentally and physically. Not just me, but my family as well. We were trying to raise an adopted child with a complex disorder known as Reactive Attachment Disorder and a host of other initials I won’t bore you with. If you have never heard of it before that doesn’t surprise me much. People tend to think “adoption, then happily every after!”. Unfortunately, many times, that is not the case. No one prepares you for it and no one likes to deal with the reality and eventuality that this disorder can lead to but it is very real and very painful for all in involved. As a very idealistic person it took a very long time for me to face the truth of our situation. Sometimes a person is just too broken and the damage too great. I wouldn’t have believed that 10 years ago but I know it to be true now. Someday he might heal and be an asset to society but right now he is a danger to many that encounter him. So after much effort, prayer, tears and a gamet of different approaches (you just wouldn’t believe how many) it was decided that he needed more help than we could give him and he is now living in a residential treatment facility out of state where he can no longer hurt the people in our household and in our community. This was probably the hardest decision we have ever made but it has been one of the best for all concerned. That was November 1st, 2015.
So, in December the job hunt began in an attempt to help pay for his care. I landed a job at a Chiropractor’s office. Having a background in Alternative Medicine (Neuromuscular Therapist, Doula, Herbalist etc.) I thought it would be a good fit but it turned out it was not. This coming Tuesday will be my last day. I have enjoyed getting to know the doctors and the patients. I feel like I had to be there to learn about myself and others and I did. I had to learn who I am and who I am not. Where I fit and where I do not. And how that is OK. Like my husband said I am just not made to work for others or at least in an administrative/sales position. It is very stifling to my creativity and doesn’t reveal or stimulate the best version of who I am. Even the best “jobs” can be a soul killer if you don’t fit there. I have been self employed most of my adult life and I am a creative person and what might be fine for many is not a fit for me. Working late and not being around to be with my family, particularly my youngest who has ADD and needs a great deal of help with homework was also a big problem. So the plan now is to reinstate my license to do massage therapy, see a small handful of clients from home and homeschool our youngest child who is a sweet, kinesthetic learner that doesn’t fit in public school. Just like me, she needs to be in an environment that brings out the best she can be, rather than power through something that just doesn’t fit. I would also like to work on a writing project I have started about Feminism, the good, the bad and the ugly. Big topic!
My husband and myself just returned from Spain a few weeks ago. It was a belated anniversary/roots trip for both of us and something we have needed to do for many, many years but could not because of our situation at home. We both have Sephardic roots in Spain and Portugal. We had a wonderful time in Spain and it gave me a lot of time to think and soul search. It is a wonderful thing to step outside of one’s life and take an objective look at who you are, your life and how things are fitting or sometimes, not fitting. Yeshua (Jesus) said, “Know Thyself…..(see below)”. I really feel like that is a big part of what this journey is about. Recently I took the Meyers and Briggs personality test. I am an INFJ, which explains a lot of my self imposed misery from time to time, but it also explains the depth to which I feel things and the isolation I struggle with at times because I feel so different. It also explains how I can appear to be an extrovert because of my passion for the things I care deeply about but can become drained easily because I am really an introvert fueled by quiet time to recharge my mind. It explains why violating core principles I hold dear is a soul sucking experience for me and I cannot tolerate it for long. It explains why I like my circle small and intimate rather than big and shallow. It explains why I would probably be the most loyal friend you’ll ever have. I care deeply for people close to me. I read people extremely well and sometimes I wish I didn’t although I am fairly long suffering. I don’t wan’t to believe what I see. I see between the lines and I am trying to learn how to *see* without placing a judgement on that but maintain a boundary at the same time. This is an honest struggle and quite a juggling act for me but my awareness is growing in this area. When people hurt, I feel it, and I sometimes have to escape to keep from drowning in their hurt. This is me. I love it and don’t love it all at the same time, but it’s me. I fit some places and I don’t fit other places and that is finally OK with me. At my age I am not looking to be anywhere I don’t belong. I wish that I hadn’t wasted so many years trying to tailor my life to others and societies expectations but the struggle I endured in those situations resulted in learning so better late than never I guess. Know thyself..that is wealth.
Gospel of Thomas:
(3) Jesus (Yeshua) said: If those who lead you say to you: See, the kingdom is in heaven, then the birds of the heaven will go before you; if they say to you: It is in the sea, then the fish will go before you. But the kingdom is within you, and it is outside of you. When you know yourselves, then you will be known, and you will know that you are the sons of the living Father. But if you do not know yourselves, then you are in poverty, and you are poverty.