tr.v.ap·peased, ap·peas·ing, ap·peas·es
tr.v.ap·peased, ap·peas·ing, ap·peas·es
Good morning peeps. Hope you all are doing well out there in cyber land.
It has been quite a week. There is a lot I have to get done and a lot of change is on the horizon. It is rather consuming to be honest and probably will be for the next few weeks. Change always involves adjustment. It is a hard change that is coming but a good one as well.
I am hoping that with the stress level subsiding in the next few weeks that the scale will move downward. I don’t think that the caffeine is helping and I will probably start to reduce it, if not eliminate it, entirely in the coming weeks. Right now it is keeping me going. I am typically a “cold turkey” kind of gal, when I get rid of things in my life, but I think I am going to take this slower this time. I think I am going to take everything a little slower and be more gentle with myself. I have been through a lot and I need time to heal and being hard on myself isn’t going to help that happen. My adrenals are on high gear right now and that is not good. I can’t take any more beating. I think with time and rest I will not only heal but weight loss will naturally occur.
Harsh. I think I have been downright harsh with myself and demanding. It is time to accept and love myself “warts and all”! We do the best we know to do in this world and if we would have known better most of us would choose to do better. I sometimes wish I had a time machine but if I did I wouldn’t have learned what I have learned.
I have to run. Kids to get off to school and preparation for the Sabbath. So glad it’s almost here. I need a rest.
A decision has been made.
So yesterday we found a therapeutic boys home for our son to go to for a year. Our youngest son has Reactive Attachment Disorder, Oppositional Defiant Disorder and Attention Deficit Disorder. These mental/emotional illnesses stem from his time in foster care and neglect he endured prior to our adopting him at 3 1/2 and his younger 1/2 sister at 16 months. The fact that he is also drug exposed is probably not helpful either. He came to our home very damaged and despite trying everything we knew to do to help him he hasn’t not gotten better. The kind of behaviors that he exhibits are some of the following: Continual lying, charming people to get what he wants or frame his “innocence” when caught, manipulation, night wandering, destruction of property, theft, violence towards other children, triangulating adults, an attitude of entitlement, blame shifting, causing extreme chaos, disrespect, and a constant need to be in control all the time. For 9 1/2 years our family, the other 5 of us, have been put through the ringer. We have to have 3 alarms on his door at night to sleep and keep our youngest daughter safe from him. I have no idea what he is capable of anymore because he keeps raising the bar where these behaviors are concerned.
I am not developing any expectations for his return a year from now. If he chooses not to get better he won’t and we will have to figure that out in a year. This has been an extremely difficult decision but enough is enough.
I am looking forward to rest, much needed healing and hopefully, finally, some peace in our home. And now I need a job to pay for his care. I am looking forward to being around other adults because it’s been kind of lonely for Rapunzel up here in the tower. I haven’t been able to work because he can’t be left unsupervised and most employers are not real keen on you bringing your child to the workplace, especially those with criminal tendencies.
Thank you for your prayers and support during this difficult time.
For so many years now I have been caught up in “ideal”. I wanted the correct, best, perfect circumstances and outcomes etc., for everything and for everyone in my life. But some things are just not that way and no amount of trying is going to change it. I can’t fix this. It’s all damage control at this point. So settling for the best possible scenario, not the perfect one, is sometimes the only option. So, we have come to a fork in the road. Formally, there were no known affordable possibilities, and now there are a few, but they are less than ideal and the more I search the more I find that the perfect option does not exist. I don’t want to make a mistake but it seems we have to make a choice now, the best possible one, that we can afford, for everyone and someone is going to get the short end of the stick. There is no way around it. I just don’t want to make a bad choice, from many years ago, worse than it already is, so I am wrestling today. I am seeking Wisdom and I am seeking Guidance.
I can’t write anymore today. I need to quiet the chatter in my head and listen to my conscience. I will check in with you tomorrow. Have a good day. 🙂
Today I am not going to say much because I am a little disappointed that plan “A” failed and a little overwhelmed that I still don’t have a solution for a very difficult problem and I feel like it is up to me to figure it out. Right now that is kind of my “job” until I can have one and when I am able to have one, the sole purpose of that job, will be to pay for treatment and or boarding for our adopted son who has severe behavioral problems.
If that sounds confusing and a bit “Dr. Phil”, it is. Sorry about that. Welcome to my reality.
I have no intention of going on “Dr. Phil” by the way.
Anyway, today, I need to let go of the idea of plan “A” and trudge forward towards plan “B”. There are no manuals written on this stuff so I am kind of going at it in the dark and have been for many years now. I am hoping for Guidance, I need it. It would be nice if someone came by that had been this way, but that hasn’t happened much in the last 9 years and I can’t hold out for it now.
Disappointment, move on, there is no time for you and you are getting in my way.
Overwhelming feelings, take a hike, you are not an option.
Self pity, you are counterproductive, move on.
Cast your cares on Him because He cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7
One to plan “B”.
It’s Monday, again. Good morning. 🙂
I am sitting here enjoying a bulletproof coffee made with coconut oil, rather then butter. As much as I love butter, and even though it’s grass-fed, the little bit of lactose present might contributing towards an ongoing issue I have with inflammation, as I am intolerant and I believe that might be what is impeding my weight loss. I guess that experiment failed. Oh well. So, I am going to go dairy free, entirely, again, and see what happens. The caffeine, I am going to cut back on, but I really don’t have the where with all to go through withdrawals right now, so I may attempt that later, we will see. It’s all part of the journey. I am learning to be in touch with what is going on with my body, slowly.
It’s amazing how out of touch we are with our bodies. I don’t think as many children are, but most adults are. I have a theory about that, that I will share with you. Bottom line, to sum it up in one word, I think it’s all rooted in trauma. I think this happens pretty early on for most of us and the more early it occurs the more body distortion and disconnection a person will experience in his or her life time. A person literally cannot connect with their own presence. They have “left the building” so to speak. It got kind of “freaky” on the outside so the brain called for a retreat and that creates the disconnect. I noticed this when I first began to meditate and could actually sense my hands and feet. I realized I walked around almost completely in my head most of the time, and for most of my life, and the rest of my being was just peripheral rather than actually connected to me vibrationally. It was quite a realization.
So my theory, supported by a lot of new science…….
Trauma doesn’t necessarily have to be a bomb going off in your back yard. Different people have different constitutions. It isn’t about being better than anyone else. It simply has to do with a persons sensitivity to stress and some people are more impacted then others. I believe there is a genetic component to this so DNA and heredity play a roll. If your grandmother weathered the Depression and came out better for it, your odds are better, that when a stressful situation occurs, you will not be as badly impacted as others. Conversely, if Uncle Stan became an alcoholic after the war, as a means of coping with trauma, you might want to watch yourself a little. In my family it is a mixed bag as I believe it is for most others as well. Nothing is set in stone and there is no judgement but it is a good idea to know what your limitations are and learn to manage your stress when you realize you might be particularly sensitive to it’s affect. Experiencing trauma can be as simple as being born during a difficult birth (yes, stored as trauma!), a dog biting you while you ride your bike or your parents having a disagreement. If the brain sees something as traumatic, that is how it will be interpreted. Life is full potential trauma. Some of us learn that earlier than others. Many times we unintentionally and unconsciously traumatize one another. There are some people that do it to others fully aware of what they are doing, but I think that is rare. The amygdala, the animal part of our brain and the part responsible for fight or flight, retains this information and isn’t real keen on letting it go. This ancient, primal section of the brain holds on to this information for our protection, or so it thinks. This “holding on” creates distorted perception that can potentially impact every belief system we have. Everyone, if they live long enough, will experience trauma of varying shapes, forms and severity. It truly isn’t about the trauma as much as it is the brain’s interpretation of it. Perception is everything. Perception shapes what we believe to be “our reality” even though reality isn’t always necessarily what we believe. So telling someone something they have experienced is “no big deal” is rather ignorant. Their only connection to reality, their brain, right or wrong, said so and that is all they know. We really need to get away from judgement. It doesn’t help anyone. Discernment, seeing the objective truth, is a great thing, but toss in resentment and you have judgement which is entirely counterproductive.
This is actually a lot more complex than I am making it, but to put it simply, in order for the amygdala to stop ruling the roost, so to speak, it is necessary for the pre-frontal cortex to step up to the plate and be in charge. The pre-frontal cortex is the center for logic, reason and objectivity. When it takes over the amygdala’s role is lessened and it actually shrinks in size and the pre-frontal cortex grows larger and more active. What we measure as IQ increases. Stress managed through techniques like meditation are the only safe way that I know to accomplish this. (There are other ways which are not legal, nor am I am convinced they are safe) Various studies support this fact.
This is an excellent documentary on the brain and the perception of reality that a good friend sent me:
If you are kind of a documentary nerd like myself you will enjoy it.
Well, got to run. I hope you have a terrific day. Go meditate and get to know Reality. 🙂
Good morning, almost good afternoon. I have gotten a good deal of rest this weekend, which was badly needed, and I am so grateful. 🙂 I threw myself into a couple of novels this weekend and stayed away from the computer. The novels are great distraction from the tasks and issues at hand. I relaxed so much yesterday that I forgot my youngest daughter’s dance rehearsal. I got a call from the studio and got her there about 30 minutes late. The old me, prior to adopting our son with emotional/mental problems and a continual tendency toward criminal behavior, and experiencing trauma as a result of all that, held myself to very high, difficult standard. With my two oldest, biological children, who are now grown, I typically was on top of everything and early every wherever I went and I could never sympathize with anyone else that didn’t seem to have their proverbial sh*t together. I judged them harshly, never thinking for a second about why they might be forgetful or struggling to keep it all together. I guess payback is a “B” if you know what I mean. Judgement isn’t ours to make. Our minds can only handle so much and there comes a point when the “overload light” blinks on and doesn’t shut off very easily. You never know what someone else is walking through. I am there and have been for quite some time. So, I apologized, once, which is unusual for me. Whatever people think, they will think, so what! If I made that kind of mistake in the past, which was rare, the apologizing and appeasing for approval would continue until I was satisfied I was back in a person’s good graces. One apology for an unintentional error is enough! Where I am at now and how I see things is this: I am a human being with a hell of a lot coming at me, daily, and I am grateful not to be put in a straight jacket and carted away at this point with all my family and I have been facing. So running a little late for things here and there is not fatal and I am pushing a half century at this point so I am giving myself a break. It’s about time. The constant beating I have given myself over my lack of perfection for 46 years is done. I have no space anyone’s judgement, not even my own right now. My “give a damn”, about the small things, is slightly impaired now and I don’t think I want it to ever work the way it once did. I think that was fairly sick and far too heavy a burden to carry.
Had some wine on Shabbat. First time since July. Hopefully it won’t negatively impact my weight loss. Maybe it will break my stall. I don’t know. Extending myself a little mercy these days. I need it. 🙂
“Billy don’t be a hero”.
I am dating myself with that line from the 1974 Song by Paper Lace about a young man going off to war. Of course I was 5 when it came out but as the child of young parents, that had a lot of the popular music of that time playing in the background, I still have a lot of those lyrics floating around in my programming.
Aspiring to be “a hero” in life is a bit like playing God and often a fatal or at best a very damaging, presumptive move. Just ending up one is different than the ambition to be one. The latter preferable to the former because the first is ego based and the second not.
Yesterday while listening to the controversial but always profound Roy Masters, he said something that got my attention. An 88 year old now he kind of mixed up his words with a bit of English accented stammer but I put his thought together in this slightly paraphrased quote:
“You can’t fix people, but you don’t have to contribute to their faulty programming. Act if you must, but don’t react.”
When we react we take action or speak in response to the emotions we feel as a result of the actions of another person. Conversely, when we act we make objective decisions based on facts, not emotions.
Don’t play the hero. People can’t be fixed by other people. Can God or YHWH use people to help other people? I think so. However, it won’t happen if:
1.) They do not see an issue with their actions and don’t feel they need to change their behaviors.
2.) We react emotionally to their behaviors.
3.) It simply isn’t the plan, ever or at this time, for their lives to get better for reasons we don’t understand. (This one is a hard one to accept, but it is a reality that is impossible to deny sometimes)
I guess the only factor that we can control is the second. It is not up to us to repair people. If we think so, we have an ego problem. I did and I thought I was being “a hero.” When we “play” the hero, we will typically react to a person’s bad behavior, which will happen when we try to play God (because we are not Him). Being reactive we only contribute to or support their faulty programming. We don’t help it. We can actually make it worse because they are already in a perpetual reactive state and we join them in a proverbial never ending war of trading resentment back and forth, no matter how justified we might feel about our resentment. (Resentment is never justifiable)
I have made a lot of mistakes in my life but one thing I do not want to do, no matter how evil another person’s intentions are, is contribute to “tripping them up” or provoking them to sin more. I won’t be able to justify that one no matter how hard I try.
So today I pray not to be led in to temptation so that I won’t contribute to the faulty programming that is already at play.
Shabbat is on it’s way. I need a rest. It’s been a long week.
P.S. Enjoy a cool tune 🙂
I think the most grievous errors I have made in my life, certainly the most costly ones, have been seeing others in the same way I see myself. Many of us tend to think that other people think and feel like we do and that is simply not the case. We assume that they wouldn’t do something because we wouldn’t. That seems logical but it is far from it. I suppose we have emotional and spiritual Doppelgänger’s, or “look a likes” somewhere, out there in the world, but generally, on the inside, we are all pretty unique. Yet, we continue to assume someone understands what we do, feels like us and reasons in the same manner. I suppose there is some comfort in this false illusion, but it simply is an illusion. Perhaps we wouldn’t be so disappointed or even in some cases devasted when some one fails to meet our expectations if we understood “one of these things is not like the other”, in regard to personalities. Thinking you understand something or someone when you do not is a recipe for disaster of one kind or another. It tends to set you up as prey to the nefarious sort and there are a lot of those folks out there. Some of them live under your own roof. Sometimes I think there are more of them then good people in this world. I don’t believe anymore that egregious personalities are just “misunderstood”. Good people can make mistakes, although a good person has humility and will eventually exercise true repentance. That is key. I think the best faculty I have, and you have, is a God-given spiritual intuition or conscience and I intend to use it from here on out in my dealings with all people. It doesn’t seem to lead me in a wrong direction but my heart sure does. I am in a huge mess for that reason. Some people just are not good and that is a fact. Being objective about this truth is helpful. Trust your intuition. Don’t doubt your conscience.
Learning is tough. As I grow older I understand that I really don’t understand much or at least as much as I thought I did.
So that is what was swimming around in my head this morning. 🙂
I think dairy has got to go. I am doing the bullet proof coffee with butter, mct oil and collagen. The scale is not moving. There are probably a few reasons for this:
1.) Dairy, my body doesn’t like it, I am intolerant and it’s probably creating inflammation which stresses my system and creates fight or flight.
2.) Stress, duh. I have a ton! More meditation and more joy are needed in my life.
3.) Caffeine, the adrenals don’t appreciate that very much.
4.) I like coconut butter, too much, and that might be raising my calorie level too high.
So, I need to change some things up, again. But, hey, isn’t that what it is all about…..Hacking me to wellness. 🙂
Pilates today and lots of errands. Smallest child starts counseling to deal with the squeaky wheel’s continual antics.
Yesterday started out with a bang! The bait was set and I stepped in it. I was not centered or objective and I should have been. The daily mental toll of dealing with a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder, Oppositional Defiant Disorder and Attention Deficit Disorder is taxing. It is not so much remaining guarded as it is remaining non reactive to the barrage of attacks or antics that come with no prediction. Guarded means I am strengthening my fortress which makes him try and bring it down even harder. Like a waving a toy in front of a cat it just encourages more verbal assault and mental games. Non reactive means that no matter what flies at me I don’t react, staying centered and calm. That is my goal and yesterday I wasn’t successful. 😦
This morning I can hear him stirring above me, as I am in the office below his room and I feel like I am gearing up for the unknown. He could be pleasant and cooperative this morning or he could be belligerent and threatening if has any perception of not getting his way. My plan is spend some time in quiet meditation before he gets up, keep calm and carry on with what I need to do.
I have coffee with my grown daughter this morning. It is so important for me to have things to look forward to in life that bring me joy and this is one of them. 🙂 What are you doing today that brings you joy? What one thing do you have to look forward to today? If you don’t have one make one. It is so important. If you are like me and your home can be a war zone you need something to encourage you that life can be good.