Category Archives: food addiction

10/13/2015, Don’t Look Back

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I am sitting here this morning with only a few minutes to spare. I am unsure of what to write this morning. Yesterday I wrestled with regret over choices made long ago. I do that far too often and I am trying to stop but my situation is in my face daily so it is difficult to silence those thoughts. Regret is kind of a waste of time really but an interesting movie plot none the less. I imagined a scenario where I could go back and talk to myself, the self that I was 10 years ago, and explain some things and undo some bad choices that looked like good choices at the time. A little like Peggy Sue Got Married only set in the early 2000s’. Then I thought that I probably wouldn’t listen because I wasn’t who I am today, back then. This situation has changed me and I will never be that person again. Sometimes I miss her, the naive woman I was, but other times I realize that it is right that she is no more. She had to go. I wish wisdom could be gained by a shot or a pill, like in The Matrix, but I guess the way most of us learn is by experience. Many experiences I can try to wish away but they are still a reality and the consequences of this reality really suck! How is that for literary depth?

Well, C.S. Lewis put it better:

“Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn.”

Brilliant.

We have to deal with what we are dealt and most of the time it begins with our choices. Some choices are innocuous, some are harmful and some are lethal. This one has been incredibly harmful. It was never intended to be but good intentions have paved a hell laden road for sure. I have yet to see bargaining to make it all go away an effective strategy although God knows I have tried. At some point there will be a light at the end of this tunnel but the tunnel will remain. There is no way out but through with this one it seems. I am praying for strength for us this morning, for those of us that are trying to make it through a dark place. Today I will just keep walking forward and at some point the momentum will make a dent. One foot in front of another. I need to stop looking back…..

Pilates today, other errands and hopefully a break through.

Cheers!

April

10/8/2015, Walking in the Rain

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I lived in the Seattle area for 2 years. I moved there from Southern California with my husband and 16 month old son. I was very young. Before we left a friend who always was able to put a positive spin on any situation, not, made the statement that the suicide rate in that area was, at that time, higher than any throughout the nation. “Thanks” I said to him. :/  I already had suffered and recovered from postpartum depression and that was horrific and now I was going somewhere where there were record numbers of people “offing” themselves. Good grief! I didn’t need that floating around in my mind coming off the heals of what I had just suffered. Keep in mind that during this time, some 23 years ago, people didn’t acknowledge postpartum depression and had little compassion for it, so I suffered and recovered completely alone. It was a very scary experience and it took 10 months for the chemicals in my body to right themselves. It was as if someone or something else had taken over my body and my mind during that time and no one could understood what I was going through.

Well, we arrived in Everett Washington, and moved into our new home and it was sunny and beautiful. We didn’t know a soul there but we had high hopes for our new home. The next day it rained and it didn’t stop for 3 months. For a while I stayed inside, waiting………… and waiting, and waiting and waiting. I had no friends there and no car to go anywhere and a small child. There was no sign of the sun, not even a quick peak at it. It’s like it disappeared off the face of the planet or something! I came from an area of the country where it rained maybe once a year and now I was living somewhere where it was dark and dreary all day, every day and for months on end.  It wasn’t long and I was suffering from SAD, seasonal affective disorder. Again, this was a time that there wasn’t a lot of information on what vitamin D deficiency could do to a person. I was finding out first hand. Thankfully I at least had the clarity at that point to understand that something odd was happening to me chemically. I began to research and found out that the use of UV light could be effective in eliminating it. Having little money and only one vehicle, buying a lamp for that use was out of the question. So, I began to walk, in the rain, my baby’s stroller covered in plastic to protect him from the constant rain, whether I felt like it or not and it worked. The symptoms began to lift. What little bit of Vitamin D I was absorbing from above the cloudy sky was somehow working to correct my chemistry. I didn’t mind getting wet to accomplish that. So I walked, in the rain, every single day.

Sometimes in life you can’t wait for the rain to go away you just have to get out and walk. You have to make yourself live even if you feel like curling up in a ball and dying. You have to tell the weather conditions out there to be dammed and pick yourself up and press forward. It can mean the difference between mediocre survival a.k.a. death in slow motion, and really living and thriving. The situation I have found myself in feels like a never ending rain storm that I can’t get out of. I know that at some point it will end, but I have no idea when. It could be 2 weeks from now or 5 years from now. I don’t know. I have to somehow make peace with that as I work towards a solution.

Meeting my oldest daughter for breakfast and then going to do Pilates. Weight remains unchanged. My blood sugar is reflecting stress because my food macros are perfect. I need to meditate more than once a day apparently and stop reacting to my situation and just walk in the rain. 🙂

Cheers!

April

10/7/2015 Ambition

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Last night it occurred to me that I have had unrealistic ambitions for certain individuals in my life. This has led to a great deal of disappointment and frustration for me. I have wanted better for people that simply can not do better than they currently are, at least at this time, given the circumstances they entered this world with and the experiences that have shaped their minds prior to coming into my life. It might be that they never will be able to overcome. I don’t know how to help them and my efforts to do so may have caused more damage then good. Whether or not they will ever take the great leap to self awareness and accountability is unknown. On the surface those ambitions seemed reasonable. But, are ambitions for others ever really reasonable? Ambition is an attachment to an outcome in disguise. Sneaky little bastard! More attachment. :/ I guess I confused ambition with faith for a long time. It can be confusing. There is so much misinformation out there. So much opinion. So much indoctrination. Abundant wrong thinking lacking in Reality and Truth. When people become a “faith object” the One who is supposed to be our object of faith falls by the way-side. They and the plans we have made for them put on a pedestal and not the Creator.

I want better for them, but I let go of the wanting today. They have to want better for them and they have to look to the Creator to find that path. My only, and very limited influence, is walking my own. No amount of “wanting” will force anyone to do the right thing.

Today is another day of letting go……..and walking my own path…….hopefully the one He has set forth for me and not my own ambitions.

Cheers!

April

p.s. This song is running around in my head this morning. I know it’s about romance but the words seem appropriate in regards to letting go of an unhealthy attachment in any relationship. We want to hang on, so much, when true love is letting go……

10/6/2015, Going Through

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Precip 0%, the weather report reads. Still a little cloudy. Still clearing after all the rain storms. The ground is still very wet. Puddles and mud abound.

I need to “weather” it better. This system isn’t going away soon. It is going to take time to clear. I don’t know how long. I need to get to higher ground and stay there. It took me by surprise and it shouldn’t have. These things had happened hundreds of times before. Unconsciousness had been my motis operandi for so long. I wanted it to be what I wanted it to be. And…it wasn’t.

Abusing food kept me from dealing with what was right before me. Before that religion, religious activities, religious people and remaining busy doing, constantly, kept me sufficiently distracted. These very things distanced me from my Creator and from the Truth that would begin healing and sustain it.

Irony.

Yes.

I see it now. I didn’t then.

Now they are gone. Things are more clear. Painfully so. Hard on the eyes. My eyes are still adjusting to the light and there is no where to go but through. Through……….

When I was a child, so long ago, I learned some variation of this song:

Goin’ on a bear hunt (repeat)

I’m not afraid (repeat)

Got a real good friend
(children hug each other during this part…repeat)

By my side (repeat)

Oh, Oh (repeat)

What do I see? (repeat)

Oh look! It’s some tall grass! (repeat)

Can’t go over it (repeat)

Can’t go under it (repeat)

Can’t go around it (repeat)

Got to go through it
(repeat… Make motions with arms like you are clearing a way thru grass)

Got to go through it. Isn’t that the truth. There is no other way there but through. I wish there was. I looked for the other way for years, but it comes down to that. The hard, cold truth is that there is no other way there but through, with everything. I just need to find peace, consistently, in the “through” as I travel this journey. Today, that is my prayer.

Today I have Pilates. Weight remains unchanged. Did not check my blood sugar this morning.

Cheers!

April

10/5/2015 Monday, Monday

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Good morning. Not much to say today. I have a lot on to do this week and made myself a pretty hefty list that is growing longer by the moment. Heading to Trader Joe’s and Whole Foods today and that will be a nice distraction for a few hours.

I was just thinking about my expectations and hidden judgements regarding many relationships over the years. This morning I was made acutely aware of some of them. While meditating this morning I was releasing those to my Creator and choosing to extend mercy to them and asking for mercy back, not from them, but from Him, because truly His is the only pure form of love that there is and most of us, in and of ourselves are not able to do that for ourselves let alone anyone else. It is too much to expect. It is amazing what can be hidden in our hearts that we are unaware of until we begin to Be Still enough to hear. It is humbling and liberating. Mercy isn’t excusing behavior. Mercy is letting go of an attachment to exact our form of justice in response to an offense and surrendering the outcome to our Creator. At least that is how I understand it.

This week I will have to continue to act on a decision that was probably one of the most difficult ones of my life. The intent with which it must be done cannot be one of reaction but rather action to prevent this person causing more pain and destruction around them. Emotion causes the lines to blur so part of releasing this person this morning was crucial to continue in what must be done and remain objective.This isn’t easy. There is a lot of water under the bridge. Praying for endurance.

Blood sugar a little high this a.m. Weight not currently moving. Doing IF this week post shark week and hoping that will kick weight loss back in. Didn’t want to stress adrenals last week. Need to get back to walking. Looking like the rain is going to stop, thankfully.

Cheers!

April

10/4/2015 Drying Out

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So the last couple weeks of been very stressful. So much so that I have let some things go, like exercise, that I shouldn’t have.

The weather hasn’t been helpful as here in the South as we have had constant rain for two weeks and I prefer and am in the habit of exercising outdoors. That is an excuse, really, because I was lacking fortitude  if I am fully transparent with you. Several things have been dropped, but not everything, not what is important, although it is very tempting to drop it all. I see a pattern in that while I need to surrender some things, emotionally, I end up holding on to those unproductive thoughts, feelings and emotions to the degree that I struggle to retain all of the good I have been adding to my life. I guess it is really a question of saturation. The condition of my soul is saturated like the Georgia red clay soil beneath my feet. As the rain is currently saturating the ground outside and causing almost flood like conditions I am experiencing something similar inside. Key to recovery is light and heat from the sun to dry things out and time for the water to soak in but the continuous deluge and darkness are so tremendous that what little bit of light that is trying to poke through is hardly sufficient to do the job. So whether I have the strength or not I need to hold strong to the Rock and wait for the light. I must persevere and endure even if somethings fall by the wayside from time to time. I have to recover from those mistakes and be gentle with myself. There is nothing gentle about my life right now so I will not add to it by punishing myself further . The only direction is forward and that is where I intend to go. Drying out.

Cheers!

April

10/2/2015 Circadian Rhythm

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Last night I slept through the night! 🙂 This is a rare thing for me but is getting more consistent, thankfully. This is a serious goal, not only for weight loss, but for the prevention and possible reversal of chronic disease.

Check it out:

CircadianRythmWiki_2

The word circadian originates from the Latin word circa, meaning around or diem, meaning precisely one day.

The rhythms are vital in determining the feeding and sleeping patterns of us all. Brainwave activities, cell regeneration, hormone production as well as additional biological activities are connected to this everyday cycle. Any interruption in this cycle can negatively affect the brain and the way it functions and regulates hormones and metabolism. In the long term, disruption in the circadian system can have serious health consequences on any peripheral organs that are outside of the brain. The development of cardiovascular disease is a particular concern.

When our bodies are pushed to work past their natural rhythm it reduces our ability to recharge and renew. Lack of sleep, incidentally, does impact weight loss as it is generally a symptom of elevated cortisol, the stress hormone, and the body will store fat in that state and particularly in the abdominal region which is the most dangerous place to accumulate it. So, for my goals, to regain my health and lose weight, it is vital that I decrease the secretion of cortisol in my body every day and that each night I am able to sleep fully and soundly. Easier said than done but this is a goal and last night was a success!

Cheers!

April

10/1/2015 Believe What You See

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So today you are here because you chose to be and not because I baited you from Facebook or Instagram. Likely you did a search and one of my tags came up. Is that still baiting? Well, I never said I was perfect. But, then again, you were looking, so I think we have a mutual interest or two here, don’t we? I feel better about that.

This blog is about growth. It is about health. It is about trying to figure out answers to the deep questions and heal at the same time. I think they are very, very unfortunately tied together. It would be nice if life was compartmentalized and there was no interconnection between physical healing and our emotional and spiritual state but that is simply not true. If it were I don’t suppose we’d have a soul. If it were we’d be like cars or a machine of some sort. Fix the car or machine to it’s manufactures specifications and it does what it is supposed to do. End of story. We, on the other hand are not so simple, are we? We are complicated. We do many things for reasons that we are not even aware of most the time and those things have consequences. I guess the good thing about consequences is that you can, if you are so inclined, learn from them. Pain has a funny way of producing awareness or consciousness.

experienceSo I had a valuable experience this week. It is really a few lessons tied into one big one. OK, I honestly relearned it, because I believe this one has come around again, and again, and again……. just in different forms. It seems to be a theme in my life. You get the picture.

Codependent relationships are a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person’s addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement. Among the core characteristics of codependency, the most common theme is an excessive reliance on other people for approval and identity.

ME!!!!! The me I no longer want to be! (hey that rhymes) 😉

Well, old “co-dependency” raised her ugly head again. I didn’t even know she was there until it was too late. There were some subtle hints and I should have paid attention but I got “caught up” in good feelings and ignored some red flags I shouldn’t have. The truth was being shown to me but a part of me did not want to see it, the feeling part, and all those feel good chemicals covered up what was in plain site. Oh how hard we work to believe what we want to! It is pretty pathetic really.

So I got hurt, and guess what, I am responsible for that, because this time, I knew better. I am really hoping there will not be a next time. I need to be more aware and beware of believing what I want to believe rather than what I see. Best advice ever….when someone shows you who they are…..believe them.

bebraveCheers!

April

9/30/2015 Friendship

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Facebook is a strange thing. I suppose to this generation, not so much, but I remember a time when friends were people you saw in live time, and not through social media. Back then we couldn’t even imagine that there would be such a thing as social media. I feel like Facebook has isolated us in more ways than it has united us. What is friendship being turned into I wonder? How many friends do we really have when life gets tough? I guess my definition of a friend and social media’s version of it do not exactly match. They never really have. I can’t count how many times I have discontinued my account only to start it back up again for this reason or that one. These questions run through my mind this morning.  This will be that last post that posts to Facebook. If you want to follow my blog please feel free. I truly am open to friendship from anyone. I don’t need to share their religion, opinions, politics or similar life circumstances to be a friend to someone and if those are requirements on their end I probably at some point won’t measure up to those standards. I can live with that. I really value honesty and objectivity and it is important to me that I am transparent with people and I really appreciate the same. I just feel like I need to cut ties with Facebook where this blog is concerned. Whether I have no readers’ or 30, it makes no difference to me. I write as a way of processing, growing and figuring it out. This blog is personal and while I am very willing to share those details with people that are searching out the deep questions, trying to understand their own struggles and grow past them, like myself, I don’t want to impose those things on folks that are not really interested. I want to help people to feel a little less alone and I’d like to feel the same. I guess Facebook can be seen as a form of coercion at times. I guess I get that. I don’t really get offended over what people post but I suppose some people do. I suppose we are all forced in one anothers “faces” beyond mere acquaintance and subject to opinions, politics, religion and controversy 24/7. I don’t want to be that to anyone so other than my “face” on Facebook and some funny memes from time to time, I will be moving on. I’d like you to stay but only if you truly want to. 🙂

My body is feeling very tired today. I did Pilates yesterday but I think my internal reaction to all the stress in the last few weeks has taken it’s toll. I really am trying to “Be Still” but it has been a struggle for me. I am not going to walk today. George is a bit prissy about getting his paws wet and it has been raining non stop for days. I am going to go grocery shopping with a friend and fill up the cabinet and fridge because they are looking rather empty. This week is Sukkot and the first year that we haven’t put up our Sukkah in the back yard in a few years. The drama over the past few weeks with our youngest son (former foster, now adopted child with severe emotional/behavioral issues) has simply been too much for us to muster the energy to do so. It makes me a little sad thinking about it but on the other hand you have to know your limits. That is how I got myself into many messes to begin with. I have not listened to that voice on the inside that said, “hey, slow down, you can’t do it all and sometimes you just need to stop for a while.” Now, I feel like I am given no option but to heed that voice because I have come to the end of my energy resources and our circumstances are dictating what does and does not to need to be done right now. So, I truly wish my friends celebrating the feast much joy and happiness. I join you in spirit and hope our circumstances are better next year.

Cheers!

April

9/29/2015 So where do we go from here? I don’t know. I suppose we just keep going.

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Sorry no post yesterday. My day started extremely early and it was very hectic from the start and the pace continued throughout the day. I don’t really know how people can drive through ATL traffic during rush hour everyday and keep their sanity. The drive was intense! People were intense. Chill out peeps!

B had an appointment on the North end and what should have been a 1 hour drive turned into 2.

I actually slept all night last night. That is pretty rare. I was extremely exhausted. No amount of processing about a difficult day could prevent sleep last night. If I processed the drama of yesterday I must have done it my dreams and thankfully I have no memory of it. My mind needed a rest from the chaos and thankfully it cooperated. My husband and myself took comfort in unwinding together last night and not talking about the elephant in the room. I think that helps so very much.

Yesterday, it was comforting to hear that someone else saw what we see and live with every single day and isn’t more overwhelmed by it than we are. I have had such a prejudice against the psychiatric profession for so long and that was wrong. There are some “not so great” ones out there, that is true, but there are also some very wise men and women that have common sense and can read between the lines. I met one yesterday and if nothing else that was worth almost $200 and the trip. Wisdom and repose are such a good combination.

So where do we go from here? I don’t know. I suppose we just keep going. Remember, I have never been there and I don’t know anyone who has.

Meditation was good this morning. Learning to be the thinker, not the thinking and learning to keep people off pedestals and drop my expectations of them. We have experienced a lot of disappointment given our situation. That disappointment was conceived by expectation. We expected more of the people around us then they were capable of giving. Remaining aware of this I am trying not to step into the snare of resentment or judging their motives. People would do better by us or you if they knew how. Give them and yourself a break. People are only capable of functioning at the level of their consciousness.

(Taking a deep breath) 🙂

Overall, just learning, one moment at a time, and let it go. Some days that is easier than others.

I haven’t taken my blood sugar in two days. I have Pilates this morning with the best teacher ever. 🙂

Cheers!

April