Tag Archives: Sabbath

Bees and Wasps…

Standard

bees and wasps

 

I am definitely not an expert when it comes to insects. I know very little, in fact, except for what I have observed and experienced since moving here 18 years ago. Georgia has a lot of bugs and I just see yellow and black and I know there is a stinger there somewhere! It is spring here in Georgia and George and I, my companion of the canine sort, have been getting out and walking around the neighborhood. In doing so we have seen our fair share of bees and wasps or wasps and bees. Whichever. You know, things with stingers! Everything is blooming and it is beautiful but that means bees, wasps and other biting insects are buzzing around. So far we have experienced no stings, despite George’s nosy behavior, (must smell, all things, everywhere) but I am keeping my eyes open none the less. My husband has had the painful and unfortunate experience of being stung, a few years in a row now, by a yellow jacket, a kind of a vicious wasp like creature that lives in the dirt here. So I am diligent to keep my eyes on the ground when we take our walks. The bites he received caused his leg to swell up twice it’s size and it was very painful. 😦

For a good part of my life I have been a bit of a trusting person and a fairly open book to those that get to know me well. I have tended to believe that people wouldn’t cross certain lines or do certain things because I wouldn’t. That has been painful at times. And it is child like “magical thinking”. Like a dear friend says, “we see people how we are.” It is a fairly egocentric way to look at people and we are all egocentric to some degree. We believe people believe like us, think like us, react like us and so on. We tend to develop an attachment to these ideas or expectations. That being said I have been caught off guard by the behavior of many people at times for that very reason. Shocked really. When that happens I never really see it coming, and some things that have occurred still really puzzle me to this day. I guess my intuition was on the fritz or something and I just didn’t expect it  because I thought I had a firm understanding of who that person was. Maybe it was more about who I wanted them to be. None the less, that is a mistake I have made consistently and I’d really like to prevent it in the future. Walking makes a person think and ponder things and I wondered why people sometimes “sting you” when you least expect it and this week bees and wasps came to mind.

Bees are funny little creatures.  They are really methodical, organized and all about family. They just want to do their jobs and go home. They don’t have much of a social life outside of the hive and they thrive on togetherness with loved ones. They just want to build and maintain their hive, take care of the kids and make their honey. They really are not very conscious of others that are not bees and often see those that are different than them as a bit of threat. And quite honestly, sometimes, others are a bit of a threat to them. History has proven this to the bee and that is all he really has to go on, being a bee and all. It seems others like his honey and do try to take it at great expense to him and the hive. This kind of pisses the little bee off, quite frankly. It can cause the bee to become a little hypersensitive at times and very reactive to anyone that crosses his path or especially gets near the hive. People and animals often get stung, erroneously, because of the flawed perception of the bee, when they accidentally cross his path. But can you blame the bee, really? He doesn’t have the capacity to make observations or ask questions, he just sees a possible threat. All he has is his experience to go by and a deep desire to protect those whom he loves. The little bee will die to protect his loved ones and the hive and once he stings someone it will mean certain death for him. The bee has no regard for his own life. He is about his family. He is about the hive. You truly have to respect bees. They have very important jobs and without them we would be in serious trouble. Their shrinking population is having terrible consequences for our agriculture. Their presence is very crucial and we really, really need them. Bees don’t have the ability or the luxury to be objective as they are not conscious beings. They will sting when they perceive a threat, period, right or wrong, and always in the interest of protecting what is dear to them. Most people that “sting” are like the bee. They have lost objectivity, unable to see the whole picture and are just trying to protect what they perceive is being threatened. When you get stung by this type of person try to understand his or her perspective and understand that it is likely very limited because of painful, past experiences and history. This kind of individual is not “bad”. They are just very unaware. You might do the same thing in his or her shoes and most likely have at one point or another. We are all bees sometimes. But, do be wise and protect yourself.

Wasps are different in my opinion and very likely in the opinion of those who have had the unfortunate experience of accidentally crossing them. I truly don’t understand the reason for wasps if I am honest. I quite dislike them. I have been known to use some very unsavory vocabulary regarding them. Let’s get something straight. Wasps are not nice! Wasps do not sacrifice themselves when they sting you, for them it isn’t about that! If they can manage it they do not bite you just once. They keep coming! Wasps seem to enjoy hurting people and animals and bite over and over until you can get away from them. (again, I am not a insect expert, just drawing a comparison). Wasps are self serving, vicious, calculating and vindictive! (In my opinion) If you have ever experienced being stung by one you know how relentless they can be. The aftermath is extremely painful and it can take a while to heal after being attacked by a wasp! It is the gift that keeps on giving! While I think most people can be bees, from time to time, I do believe there are a small minority that fit into the wasp category. If you have ever met one, and experienced their wrath, you will understand what I mean. If you are under the impression they don’t exist or are really just misunderstood then I can guarantee you will experience one, one day. Sorry, I used to think that way too and that kind of thinking tends to draw them to you. Bees just want to be left alone. Wasps clearly want a fight and they look for the most vulnerable, trusting and unsuspecting person or animal to attack. I guess by now you know I am not really writing about insects.

It is not really my job, nor should it be, to label who is a bee and who is wasp and honestly they can be difficult to tell apart. If I can help it, I won’t be getting that close. I will leave that to my Creator. He is the Judge. What I do need to do is be wise either way. Both sting but I need to stop assuming I understand a person, one way or another, and just be aware, awake and vigilant. Just like long sleeves, a hat and a nice pair of thick Levis make one less vulnerable to being stung, appropriate boundaries in my own life are probably the best way to protect myself and those whom I care about from stings. Aggressive behavior on my part, stinging back, will stir up and anger both the bee and the wasp, so the important thing is to give them their space and carefully observe them from a good distance. There might also be a time to be defensive and take action but only if necessary. In time maybe I will figure out which is which but safety comes first. The important thing is to not put myself or others in a position to be injured. That is wisdom and love in tandem and I am hopeful the next time I happen upon something with a stinger I will see it before it sees me.

Cheers!

April

Advertisements

Some Days…

Standard

It is funny how difficult it can be to get back into a routine after having time off. I recently had a 3 day weekend and it was so nice! I was supposed to have 4 days off but a co-worker needed me to cover her day for her so I went in yesterday.

Yesterday was set to be a 9 1/2 hour day but turned into a 10 hour day with no breaks. So I hit the ground running and today my body is feeling it. In addition to that, I am still getting over a cold and it seemed to be better but has returned some along with some Peri-menopausal unpleasantness. This is probably due to not eating as well as I should have in December. I am open book, so sorry if that offended anyone but if you know me you know better than to expect me to be anything but real with you. You will just have to put up with my kvetching for a bit if you don’t mind. Thanks. ♥

This is real life and it is real, not pretend. The last few days have been a struggle emotionally. I know what I am feeling is not real in terms of anything externally wrong. I know this is all virus and rogue chemicals but the experience internally feels real and frankly it sucks. Not every day can be a ‘victorious one’. That was one of the things about mainstream Christianity that I had a real problem with. Or maybe fundamentalist Christianity. Or maybe just our culture in general. Probably all of the above. I don’t know. I remember a friend and former mentor telling me, “just fake it hon, the devil don’t know the difference!”. What a load of crap. Sorry, love that woman, all due respect, but that is a lie. That isn’t real. That isn’t the human experience. I still have to live in this body last I checked and it has some issues. Some days are just a struggle. As adults we forget to be honest about that and it is inferred that we shouldn’t be and I believe that is why our struggles tend to last as long as they do and are even more difficult to get over. I believe that is one of the reasons we get angry and depressed. It is the same in any language and kids are honest….unlike most adults, sadly.

So honesty it is. Feeling rough today. Hoping it will pass soon. I might cry in my eggs for a bit (I am a “Paleo eater” after all) but in the end I will pull it together,  get on with it and do what I have to do. That is the great thing about honesty. Once it is out, it’s out. I think she made it to kindergarten and had a better day, don’t you?

Back on track diet wise. Feeling crummy so no exercise today. I will get there. One foot in front of the other.

Cheers!

April

 

11/7/2015, Begin….Again

Standard

hereistheworld

Shabbat Shalom, Happy Sabbath and Happy weekend to all! (I think I covered everyone 🙂 )

So at the beginning of this week I was catching my breath from a few weeks of drama and about a decade of extreme stress and trauma. I’d like to say I am all recovered now but I don’t think it is that easy. I wish it was. None the less there are little improvements all around that I used to take for granted before this all began. It’s not over but I am able to come up for more air now in a way I haven’t experienced in a long time. I am “more” in my body and cognizant of what the results of reacting to the stress has done to me. My body is sore, all over, especially in my upper back and shoulders. I am very fatigued. Every day the pain lessens. I see this in terms of our flesh mirroring what is happening in our soul. And our soul truly being the only reality of who we really are. So with that in mind the physical is simply reflecting and giving clues about what is really true. And what is really true is that I am healing right now.

So I have been thinking a lot about leptin resistance. “In leptin resistance, your leptin is high, which means you’re fat, but your brain can’t see it. In other words, your brain is starved, while your body is obese. And that’s what obesity is: it’s brain starvation.” I think this might be the case for me. So I am going to be looking at an approach that will address this and the adrenal fatigue beyond just a simple keto way of eating. I think that keto is a crucial piece of the puzzle but not the entire solution to this. I think these two factors, leptin resistance and adrenal fatigue are central to what is tripping me up.

The most pressing issue I think is the stress and that is finally being dealt with beyond meditation. I finally “acted” and that was the first step. Sometimes you have to let go in ways you’d rather not to keep from being pulled under and that is what had to be done. For me and for my family. I think my adrenals will improve now and my body will allow fat loss but I am feeding my brain with nutrients that nourish it because it thinks it is starving when clearly it is not. That message needs to be corrected and I am doing some research into how to accomplish that.

I will be weighing in again on Monday, which no expectation and with the intention of kindness towards myself rather than the usual self loathing. And I will begin, again.

Today, however, is a day to rest, refuel, be with my family and tomorrow to address my badly neglected house.

Cheers!

April

11/5/2015, And Life Goes On

Standard

releaseitSo a lot of drama earlier in the week, then stillness and then busyness. Life goes on and it’s time to get back on the proverbial horse and go forward. I, after all, have some things to pay for. No bitterness intended, OK, maybe working through a little of that, if I am honest. Understandable, if you are in my shoes, but unacceptable to my soul and my body.

People ask me how I am feeling. That is difficult to sum up in just a few words and honestly, being a little numb, I am trying to figure that out. So for starters, tired……..

I feel tired. I feel like I have been carrying something very heavy and cumbersome for miles and miles and years and years and finally have permission to release it and put it down. My body actually feels tired and achy. Exhausted.

I feel hopeful. Hopeful that we will heal. Hopeful that I can salvage a little of my life, improve and grow. Hopeful that we can have joy here once again.

I felt really tense for a few days and I would cry for no reason at all and unpredictably. I felt like a bomb was going to go off near me, any minute, and I needed to duck and hide somewhere safe and there was no place to hide. That is fading, a little. It happens at unpredictable moments.

I feel like I can breathe. I feel like I can fill my lungs with more air.

For now that is all I can articulate.

Practically speaking, I need to get back into the game. MFP a.k.a. My Fitness Pal have had a parting of the ways for about a week. I couldn’t deal with reporting every morsel that I put in my mouth and juggle all that was going on. In a day or two I might be ready to check back in. Shark week happened to come at the same time as all this and going near a scale would have been more counter productive, stress wise and health wise, then helpful. So I took a break. But, I need to re-employ those methods and others. I did Pilates on Tuesday and walked yesterday. I have Pilates tomorrow as well. So, slowly getting back into the groove of self care, exercise and attention to my diet. I ate very little on Sunday because of all the travel and stress. I hope that fasting was helpful although it didn’t occur to me then.

I don’t know how much I will blog in the coming days. I know it will be frequently but I don’t know if it will be every day. I believe (hope) I will be employed here soon and I am not sure how I will be able to juggle everything. I do know that writing is really good for me and sometimes helpful to others so I will not stop writing.

Well, got an interview, so I better run!

Cheers!

April

11/2/2015, Life’s Happenings

Standard

Yesterday we were on the road all day. Headed to the airport, caught a flight, flew to a city almost 3 hours from our destination, drove almost 3 hours to said destination, got our son settled in a residential treatment facility and checked him in with the owners (wonderful people 🙂 Very special people. I don’t know how they take care of so many of these RADishes. I haven’t been able to handle the one very well. ), drove back almost 3 hours, caught a very tight flight, drove home, noshed on some hot wings from Zaxby’s and turned in. Extremely long day and my body is testifying to that this morning. I am very physically and emotionally spent and for a variety of reasons.

Here is what is different about this morning. It’s quiet. There is no white noise machine running to keep my son from hearing me so I can shower and get dressed in the morning without his running a muck. It is hard to imagine unless you have a child with RAD but simple things like taking a shower, using the bathroom or just leaving the room are not things you can do on a daily basis without due diligence and planning. I have to get up 2 hours prior to his waking if I want a shower or really accomplish anything without him by my side. To nonchalantly live my life without carefully planning would mean to open up our family to theft, destruction of property, the abuse of our younger child and all sorts of chaos, daily.

So here is what has changed for us, so far:

No white noise machine running.

Younger child can talk rather than whisper while getting ready in the morning an doesn’t have to worry about making too much noise and stirring him up.

No alarms!

I slept 30 minutes longer than I usually do and probably could have made it an hour.

I don’t have to escort anyone around the house. There is freedom to roam. For all of us!

I don’t have to be in the room with anyone all the time.

I don’t have to check pockets, back packs or shoes.

I don’t have to worry about being baited into constant arguments over anything and everything first thing in the morning when I am barely awake.

I don’t have to worry about that in the afternoon either.

My butter knives and anything with a point can go back into the utensil drawers.

I can sleep in at least once on the weekend.

I can sleep deeply knowing that no one is going to be ripped off, have their property destroyed or hurt in the middle of the night.

Our younger child will have to learn to function in a home not on lock down and also learn independence skills she is behind on because of the way we had to live.

And…..

I will have to get a good paying job. RTCs’ are not cheap. I have no illusions. I am fully aware life is not going to be all sunshine and lollipops. We have a long road ahead of us.

So I have stepped into a whole new world. He will be back in a year but I am not sure that he will stay. Honestly I am not optimistic or expecting that he will. If we can’t function as a family he will go into another RTC or appropriate boarding facility. We won’t live this way again. We are done. I will no longer be abused, nor will I allow anyone in this house to. I am firm about that and I understand this is the not the end of the struggle. But it is a step in the right direction. My family is going to have some time and space to heal from a situation that has been filled with trauma for 9+ years that most people can’t fathom or honestly even begin to understand. People should try to understand. They will encounter these people in their lifetime and won’t know what hit them when they do. We don’t think human beings, especially children, are capable of such behaviors, but history attests to the contrary. The world is full of damaged people that will go around damaging others unless people become more aware and draw a line in the sand.

So if you are curious and want to understand what Reactive Attachment Disorder is below is excellent video. You very likely know some adults that have Reactive Attachment Disorder and are not even aware of it.

Cheers!

April

10/26/2015, The Confounding World of the Appeaser

Standard

chamberlain-and-hitler

 

ap·pease

(ə-pēz′)

tr.v.ap·peased, ap·peas·ing, ap·peas·es

1.

a. To placate or attempt to placate (a threatening nation, for example) by granting concessions, often at the expense of principle.
b. To calm, soothe, or quiet (someone): appeased the baby with a pacifier.
2. To satisfy, relieve, or assuage: appease one’s thirst.
 
Most people function in one of two categories and often vacillate between the two quite unconsciously. They are either the bully or the appeaser. There is a category that most do not fit into, but should. Jesus or Yeshua was the ultimate example of that. For lack of a better term, we will call it “enlightened” or having “Christ consciousness.” That is a broad topic that I can’t explore too much today but Jesus was both gentle and strong. Loving but truthful. Balanced. Anyway, another story for another time. Today I want to explore what it means to be an appeaser. You see, I use to be one. I am a recovering appeaser. “Co-dependent” is a term from modern psychology that would closely resemble such a state.
 
 
The problem with being an appeaser is that it emboldens evil. What looks like “being nice” is actually destructive to the person who is the recipient of the placating behavior and also everyone around him or her. When evil is unaddressed and tolerated it spreads, multiplies and grows.
 
Probably the best example of this in history was British Prime Minister’s Chamberlain’s policy of appeasement that emboldened Hitler and was a driving force for WWII. Appeasement in a political context is a diplomatic policy of making political or material concessions to an enemy power in order to avoid conflict, but very evidently, it did the opposite. Can I tell you that in all of your relationships appeasing someone when they are clearly, morally wrong will do the very same thing. It will embolden a monster and that monster will create chaos. This principle works no matter what the context. You could say that the world, particularly Great Britain and The United States, made Hitler what he was. They created him or what he became. He was unchecked and out of control because when there was a window to control him that opportunity was not taken and he was emboldened by such inaction.
 
When we make concessions to an abuser we create chaos in our own lives and potentially in the lives of others. That abuser can be in any relational role, be it a friend, relative, spouse, colleague, employer or even a child. When we do not draw a line when a line needs to be drawn we will pay a heavy price, eventually. Initially it may seem like you are winning the favor of the abuser but it doesn’t take long for the tables to turn when they become certain of their power over you.

“Truth without love kills, but love without truth lies.” Eberhard Arnold

Have a good one!
Cheers!
April

10/23/2015, Harsh

Standard

perfectionism

Good morning peeps. Hope you all are doing well out there in cyber land.

It has been quite a week. There is a lot I have to get done and a lot of change is on the horizon. It is rather consuming to be honest and probably will be for the next few weeks. Change always involves adjustment. It is a hard change that is coming but a good one as well.

I am hoping that with the stress level subsiding in the next few weeks that the scale will move downward. I don’t think that the caffeine is helping and I will probably start to reduce it, if not eliminate it, entirely in the coming weeks. Right now it is keeping me going. I am typically a “cold turkey” kind of gal, when I get rid of things in my life, but I think I am going to take this slower this time. I think I am going to take everything a little slower and be more gentle with myself. I have been through a lot and I need time to heal and being hard on myself isn’t going to help that happen. My adrenals are on high gear right now and that is not good. I can’t take any more beating. I think with time and rest I will not only heal but weight loss will naturally occur.

Harsh. I think I have been downright harsh with myself and demanding. It is time to accept and love myself “warts and all”! We do the best we know to do in this world and if we would have known better most of us would choose to do better. I sometimes wish I had a time machine but if I did I wouldn’t have learned what I have learned.

I have to run. Kids to get off to school and preparation for the Sabbath. So glad it’s almost here. I need a rest.

Cheers!

April

10/22/2015, Decision Made

Standard

tough decisions ahead

A decision has been made.

So yesterday we found a therapeutic boys home for our son to go to for a year. Our youngest son has Reactive Attachment Disorder, Oppositional Defiant Disorder and Attention Deficit Disorder. These mental/emotional illnesses stem from his time in foster care and neglect he endured prior to our adopting him at 3 1/2 and his younger 1/2 sister at 16 months. The fact that he is also drug exposed is probably not helpful either. He came to our home very damaged and despite trying everything we knew to do to help him he hasn’t not gotten better. The kind of behaviors that he exhibits are some of the following: Continual lying, charming people to get what he wants or frame his “innocence” when caught, manipulation, night wandering, destruction of property, theft, violence towards other children, triangulating adults, an attitude of entitlement, blame shifting, causing extreme chaos, disrespect, and a constant need to be in control all the time. For 9 1/2 years our family, the other 5 of us, have been put through the ringer. We have to have 3 alarms on his door at night to sleep and keep our youngest daughter safe from him. I have no idea what he is capable of anymore because he keeps raising the bar where these behaviors are concerned.

I am not developing any expectations for his return a year from now. If he chooses not to get better he won’t and we will have to figure that out in a year. This has been an extremely difficult decision but enough is enough.

I am looking forward to rest, much needed healing and hopefully, finally, some peace in our home. And now I need a job to pay for his care. I am looking forward to being around other adults because it’s been kind of lonely for Rapunzel up here in the tower. I haven’t been able to work because he can’t be left unsupervised and most employers are not real keen on you bringing your child to the workplace, especially those with criminal tendencies.

Thank you for your prayers and support during this difficult time.

Cheers!

April

10/21/2015, Fork in the Road

Standard

Im-Not-Perfect-But-I-Keep-Trying

For so many years now I have been caught up in “ideal”. I wanted the correct, best, perfect circumstances and outcomes etc., for everything and for everyone in my life. But some things are just not that way and no amount of trying is going to change it. I can’t fix this. It’s all damage control at this point. So settling for the best possible scenario, not the perfect one, is sometimes the only option. So, we have come to a fork in the road. Formally, there were no known affordable possibilities, and now there are a few, but they are less than ideal and the more I search the more I find that the perfect option does not exist. I don’t want to make a mistake but it seems we have to make a choice now, the best possible one, that we can afford, for everyone and someone is going to get the short end of the stick. There is no way around it. I just don’t want to make a bad choice, from many years ago, worse than it already is, so I am wrestling today. I am seeking Wisdom and I am seeking Guidance.

I can’t write anymore today. I need to quiet the chatter in my head and listen to my conscience. I will check in with you tomorrow. Have a good day. 🙂

Cheers.

April

10/20/2015, Plan “B”

Standard

plan_b

Good morning.

Today I am not going to say much because I am a little disappointed that plan “A” failed and a little overwhelmed that I still don’t have a solution for a very difficult problem and I feel like it is up to me to figure it out. Right now that is kind of my “job” until I can have one and when I am able to have one, the sole purpose of that job, will be to pay for treatment and or boarding for our adopted son who has severe behavioral problems.

If that sounds confusing and a bit “Dr. Phil”, it is. Sorry about that. Welcome to my reality.

I have no intention of going on “Dr. Phil” by the way.

Anyway, today, I need to let go of the idea of plan “A” and trudge forward towards plan “B”. There are no manuals written on this stuff so I am kind of going at it in the dark and have been for many years now. I am hoping for Guidance, I need it. It would be nice if someone came by that had been this way, but that hasn’t happened much in the last 9 years and I can’t hold out for it now.

Disappointment, move on, there is no time for you and you are getting in my way.

Overwhelming feelings, take a hike, you are not an option.

Self pity, you are counterproductive, move on.

Cast your cares on Him because He cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

One to plan “B”.

Cheers!

April