Out to IN

Disclaimer: If you consider yourself a religious person and you would prefer to hang on to that you may want to UN-follow this blog and not read the post below. I want to respect your right to not know some things and it is not my intention to provoke you to anger or be argumentative. I simply want to share my journey with anyone that needs to know they are not alone. Conversely, if I provoke your curiosity about what I am saying I encourage you to search these things out for yourself. I am no one’s guru, teacher, rabbi or pastor. Nor do I ever want to be. You have One within.  Find that. 

 

This is my first blog post in a while. When I first started this blog it was going to be mainly about health because religion and the system of religion had worn me out and I was honestly tired of talking about it. Particularly since a lot of the structure I had built my philosophies on had now, through study, research and obvious facts, been proven to have been built on sinking sand. And sink it did. More about this later. I thought I could just keep the conversation focused on physical health and that would work but have since come to the conclusion that spiritual health, directly impacting mental health, is really more important and the first place to start when working to regain good health. The mind is central to healing and the root of most all that ails us and all belief is generated in the mind so spirituality can not be ignored in that pursuit.

A little background…. As a child I always believed in a Creator. I still do. There is too much evidence that there is some form of intelligence behind all creation. To me this is just common sense. It might not be obvious to Richard Dawkins but it is to me. As a child I had no particular religion. I just had a “knowing” so to speak and an internal jarring of my conscience when I had crossed the line regarding what was ethical. No one taught me this. It was just there. If anything, in time, I was taught not to trust “it”. In time a few traumatic life events challenged my security in this knowledge and I began to look to religion for more answers regarding my suffering.  I thought that I had found those answers in Christian Fundamentalism. To be fair I did find some. I am grateful for many things I learned from that experience. So, from the age of 23 years until about 3 years ago (I am 47 at the time I am writing this) I had been heavily entrenched in fundamentalism of some form or another. In the past my blogs were mostly of a religious nature, Christian then eventually more of a Messianic Jewish/Hebrew Roots bent.

If you know anything about fundamentalism you know that it is focused on bringing about the conformity of ones behavior to a particular line of thought stemming from the teachings of a particular holy book (The Christian Bible in my case) or teacher.  In Christian fundamentalism the teacher’s interpretation of said book is more important than the actual detail of the book and in the Messianic or Hebrew Roots movement the book is more important than the teacher. However, the teacher still elevated to prominence and given a certain amount of adoration. Regardless they go hand in hand and work together to form doctrine that people then attempt to practice and encourage and sometimes coerce (no, not too strong) others to practice as well. The practice of fundamentalism is generally less focused on inward spirituality and more focused on the outward behavior modification of oneself. However, more often than not, maybe more so in some cases, it’s focus shifts to the modification of the behavior of others. I guess that is where hypocrisy really plays out and things can potentially get ugly. It’s difficult to control oneself and others at the same time. Without a secure and working internal guidance system (the one we are all born with) and depending solely on a book and man at the pulpit this is impossible. No one can do it and what ultimately happens is some varying degree of violence and in the form of verbal, emotional and less often physical abuse (although that does happen, getting there) for non-compliance or any independent thought or reasoning that doesn’t follow the status quo of a particular set doctrine. Religious people, I have found and experienced, are by and large are very frustrated and fearful. The operating line of thought in fundamentalism is “if you don’t believe like we do you are unacceptable in the eyes of (insert name of god).” What happens when you become unacceptable varies in severity. That might simply mean you burn in hell in their judgement. Or maybe you are just lost therefore redeemable and they might try to restore you by reasoning with you at best. At it’s most extreme you might be simply unworthy of breathing which we see in fundamentalist Islam and saw in the not too distant history of Christianity. We see that play out in our world today on almost a daily bases in the middle east and now many European countries and from time to time here in the US as well. Largely it is all about control.

So in Messianic-dom it is encouraged to study to be approved. Be like the Berean you are told. For the Messianic this means looking closely at historical facts, various translations and original texts in their original languages and seeking out teachers that can further refine this for you. In time, if this commitment is followed dogmatically,  it becomes increasingly clear that there are many, many contradictions, translation errors as well as multiple authors (many, many who are unknown) of the Torah, writings, prophets and New Testament. There are also many books that were not included upon canonization and upon further examination one discovers various political and sectarian strategies that were indicative of many of these decisions in forming what we now know as The Bible as a part of historical record.  As a result The Bible as we know it, as a whole, logically, can not be labeled fully inspired or inerrant. Calling it the Word of God is something it never calls itself. Not to say there is no inspiration, I truly believe much of it is inspired by our Creator, just not in it’s entirety. I hope I am clear in saying that. In coming to that conclusion I also came to the belief that The Bible is to be understand as allegory or metaphor, as most ancient writings are, to be able to obtain the most from it in a spiritual sense. I do not believe it is meant to be followed literally. I believe some art to be inspired as well but it is doubtful that Mona from The Mona Lisa resembled exactly the painting which tried to capture her essence. To follow any holy book or really any book filtered through the mind of man in a literal way has produced nothing but violence and destruction in our world and that is unarguably and historically a fact.

So where does one go from there? If you realize this or begin to question the status quo you will find yourself minus a social circle if your social circle was largely religious. Not an easy thing. I have the t-shirt. None the less if you are dedicated to the truth you will do what is right even if it means standing alone or with very few.

Well “out” was the wrong direction so how about “in”? In other words behavior modification based on books and the teaching of teachers didn’t hold water so what about looking inside? Yes, inside YOU. Jesus (or Yeshua) as well as many, many other prophets from different religions have encouraged an inward journey to find answers and guidance. This seems to be a common and consistent theme throughout all world religions. Some have said that it is the only way. I agree with that. That has been my experience. That is where I went and continue to go to and the answers I was looking for are increasingly and surprisingly found there.

So as you read my blog be aware that:

I believe the journey towards true oneness with the Creator to be an inward one.

I believe that the journey towards true oneness with one another is also an inward one. This is the only way we will obtain peace in this world. The other way has been very unsuccessful, to say the least.

I believe in staying in my own lane and in my own business and that being an example in my own behaviors to be the only way to positively influence others. I see proselytizing as manipulative.

I believe that God, the Divine, the Source, the Creator is present in every living thing.

I believe that the Creator and all Creation is energy in it’s essence and that all the energy of this realm is one unified field.

I believe that energy is never created nor destroyed.

I believe that all religions have some elements of truth and that all religions have elements of untruth.

I believe language and words to be the most base of all communication.

I believe in compassion for all living things.

I don’t believe in a literal hell somewhere under the earth. I believe we can create a living hell here and now if we choose and many people live there every day and will often attempt to create that for others.

I believe in healthy boundaries.

I don’t believe in labels or denominations of any kind.

I believe in respect.

So, for now that is what I believe and know to be true in my own life.

If you follow this blog I am going to be exploring some “far out” things that might be controversial. You have been warned.

Love and Light to you!

April

 

 

 

 

Have No Fear….

“The Only Thing We Have to Fear Is Fear Itself”  Franklin D. Roosevelt

The messages I received, from my programming or cultural conditioning, about the nature of love, was that fear or worry was one way that you demonstrate love for others. I understand that the intent behind fear is often a feeling of love for someone but fear in and of itself is a faulty program and is not connected to love. I have been learning how destructive that “kind of love” can be, both to me and those around me. While it is wise to avoid danger, it is not wise to fear it. Here is why….

Fear and control are intimately connected. When people feel the need to attempt to control others or a situation it is because they are experiencing fear to some varying degree. The illusion being, is that if we fear something, we somehow have control over the outcome. This couldn’t be further from the truth. This is faulty logic. Bad things may or may not happen and being fearful will not prevent that. Sometimes fear may actually cause that “bad thing” to happen. For example, let’s say that someone is nervous (another word for fearful). This nervousness will very likely lead to the person feeling distracted and can then result in an accident or a poor decision and very often does. Fear is a liar. Fear gives us the illusion of safety but serves no productive purpose. Ironically, when we “sow” fear we will “reap” a harvest of many, many new things to be afraid of. It’s a cruel seed to sow that most of us are not immediately cognizant of until it bears it’s rotten fruit.  Albeit effective for dictators, usually for a short season, fear is the most ineffective motivator known to man and sadly replicates itself through out generations in families causing great, great harm in it’s path.

Fear divides us. It opens the door to separation and closes the door to love and friendship. It is not a bridge. It is a wall. People have a tendency to fear that which they do not understand. What they fear, they judge (as opposed to objectively discern) and subsequently hate. Hate creates suffering. We see it every, single day in our world. It is like a cancer that spreads and multiplies. It is behind every evil act you see on the news or read about. We see it in our relationships. We see in our workplaces. We see it driving on the interstate.  We see it in many of our religions.

Fear is what limits us. It keeps us from accomplishing great things that we know that we were born to do! It kills dreams and aspirations and it creates regret. We are all born with a passion or passions. Fear eliminates them. Fear extinguishes the flames of hope and promise like a bucket of water poured over a campfire and closes the door to possibility.

If you think you can do a thing or think you can’t do a thing, you‘re right. – Henry Ford

Fear creates chaos. No one can think coherently when they are experiencing it. It causes us to react rather than act when we should. It paralyses us. Trauma has the ability to shrink grey matter in the brain.(  http://news.yale.edu/2012/01/09/even-healthy-stress-causes-brain-shrink-yale-study-shows ) It prevents objectivity and the ability to see the big picture and make wise decisions. It makes our world seem small, dark and out of control.

Fear opens the door to disease, destruction and destroys minds. Fear causes untold suffering.  ( http://www.health.harvard.edu/staying-healthy/anxiety_and_physical_illness ) It is a tragic and sad way to go through life.

Fear prevents growth. It labels you a victim. It labels others as victims. It limits and it keeps people captive and enslaved. It has defeated nations and peoples’ throughout history. It kills relationships of all kinds.

We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. – Plato

Fear isn’t love! It is the antithesis of it.

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.
1 John 4:18

Have no fear. It isn’t living. It’s quite the opposite.

Cheers!

April

 

 

Love or Fear???

If you can get through the science you will be better for it by the end. I love science, but not everyone does, which I understand, but this is powerful! Enjoy! Cheers! April

 

Letter to 20 year old me….

Hello 47.

I am OK with that.

Better than OK!

 I am grateful for every day and I am grateful to be comfortable in my own skin. It is so strange that 30 years ago I wasn’t, yet not many would have known that. It was the journey I had to take and I am happy  and grateful to have found “now”.

I spent over two decades trying to be someone that I wasn’t and fit societies standards and expectations. My 40’s have been a time of getting to know the real me, heal and find the kingdom that is within. What a journey!

What would I tell the 20 year old me?

*Stop trying to get the approval of others and please everyone. Especially the ones that don’t see beauty in what you offer. Lovingly, move on from those folks.

*Love you and the skin you are in.You are magnificently made in the image of the Creator of the Universe!

*Understand that everything is temporary and don’t take things so seriously. Laugh as much as you can!

*Nothing is personal. People only behave at the level of consciousness they posses and by and large this world is a very unconscious place. Don’t take things personally.

*Let go, always. Attachment is not love.

*People will misjudge you. You will misjudge others. We are by and large egocentric creatures that typically see others as we see ourselves. Our perceptions are frequently flawed and inaccurate. Withhold judgement because you can’t and don’t fully understand others or what their journey is specifically about and don’t personalize it when they judge you as they simply do not know to do better. We all only see in part.

*Be present in every moment and don’t resist difficulties but work with them, dissect them and search out what understanding they bring.

*Slow down. You don’t need to react emotionally. Learn to be objective and seek Truth. If you seek it you will find it even if it is just a little at a time.

*Patience will save you a lot of grief. ❤️

Aging can be a wonderful thing when you accept it with the correct perspective. 🌸🌸🌸🌸 #birthdayhair #thekingdomiswithin #gratitude

Meat Bag and the Goad

 

Weird title but it kind of gets your attention, does it not?

This is going to be short…..because it is simple, but it’s not. It is a paradox. It is an easy concept that confounds many of us. Like all great truths. I had coffee with a friend this week and during that conversation I finally understood a concept that I haven’t been able to receive fully until recently. I am writing to myself as much to anyone who can hear this. It is a hard truth to accept and I mentally wrestle with it. We all struggle with us. If you don’t I applaud you. You are a lot further down the road than I am. I think embracing this truth is truly the only way to be free of much of what trips us up in life and causes us to suffer. My ego is not a fan but here it goes:

Being a victim of your circumstances is a mindset, not a reality. Jesus asked what can they do to you? They can only kill your body. You are not your body. (paraphrased Luke 12:4) In other words, you are a spirit hanging out in a meat bag for a number of years and you are only a victim if you mentally accept that role or ‘story’. Victim-hood, while painful, is a mental fabrication according to Jesus/Yeshua. Ouch.

A victim accepts ‘the story’ that he has no choices and in turn feels powerless. The story is generated by the ego a.k.a the flesh. That powerlessness he feels fuels his anger and his anger brings destruction to him or those around him. The victim, in time, always becomes the victimizer. Most of the time he will victimize himself with self destructive behavior, because it is more socially acceptable, or he will lash out and victimize others. This is the story of mankind, from the beginning, and is an easily observed truth, throughout all of history, all cultures and all religions. The truth is we all have choices. Three, in fact. Two will free us. One will enslave us. The ego/flesh would tell us otherwise because it wants to rehash the story it tells us to support said victim mentality. If two of the following choices are made then the story is defeated. The story ends. It’s teller is silenced, or at least this time, it will try again.

3 choices:

Make a decision to change the situation. Take action. Create a boundary or leave the situation. Most of the time this is possible, but sometimes it is not. Act, if it is wise.

Acceptance. Let go of the attachment to an agenda and or expectations and stop resisting, mentally. Surrender to Reality and stop ‘kicking against the goad’. There are some situations where this is the only option and the only way to become free. Rest.

Suffer. Resist or react to your circumstances. .

Well, that was enough to chew on this week. I am choking on this one just a bit.

Cheers!

Bees and Wasps…

 

I am definitely not an expert when it comes to insects. I know very little, in fact, except for what I have observed and experienced since moving here 18 years ago. Georgia has a lot of bugs and I just see yellow and black and I know there is a stinger there somewhere! It is spring here in Georgia and George and I, my companion of the canine sort, have been getting out and walking around the neighborhood. In doing so we have seen our fair share of bees and wasps or wasps and bees. Whichever. You know, things with stingers! Everything is blooming and it is beautiful but that means bees, wasps and other biting insects are buzzing around. So far we have experienced no stings, despite George’s nosy behavior, (must smell, all things, everywhere) but I am keeping my eyes open none the less. My husband has had the painful and unfortunate experience of being stung, a few years in a row now, by a yellow jacket, a kind of a vicious wasp like creature that lives in the dirt here. So I am diligent to keep my eyes on the ground when we take our walks. The bites he received caused his leg to swell up twice it’s size and it was very painful. 😦

For a good part of my life I have been a bit of a trusting person and a fairly open book to those that get to know me well. I have tended to believe that people wouldn’t cross certain lines or do certain things because I wouldn’t. That has been painful at times. And it is child like “magical thinking”. Like a dear friend says, “we see people how we are.” It is a fairly egocentric way to look at people and we are all egocentric to some degree. We believe people believe like us, think like us, react like us and so on. We tend to develop an attachment to these ideas or expectations. That being said I have been caught off guard by the behavior of many people at times for that very reason. Shocked really. When that happens I never really see it coming, and some things that have occurred still really puzzle me to this day. I guess my intuition was on the fritz or something and I just didn’t expect it  because I thought I had a firm understanding of who that person was. Maybe it was more about who I wanted them to be. None the less, that is a mistake I have made consistently and I’d really like to prevent it in the future. Walking makes a person think and ponder things and I wondered why people sometimes “sting you” when you least expect it and this week bees and wasps came to mind.

Bees are funny little creatures.  They are really methodical, organized and all about family. They just want to do their jobs and go home. They don’t have much of a social life outside of the hive and they thrive on togetherness with loved ones. They just want to build and maintain their hive, take care of the kids and make their honey. They really are not very conscious of others that are not bees and often see those that are different than them as a bit of threat. And quite honestly, sometimes, others are a bit of a threat to them. History has proven this to the bee and that is all he really has to go on, being a bee and all. It seems others like his honey and do try to take it at great expense to him and the hive. This kind of pisses the little bee off, quite frankly. It can cause the bee to become a little hypersensitive at times and very reactive to anyone that crosses his path or especially gets near the hive. People and animals often get stung, erroneously, because of the flawed perception of the bee, when they accidentally cross his path. But can you blame the bee, really? He doesn’t have the capacity to make observations or ask questions, he just sees a possible threat. All he has is his experience to go by and a deep desire to protect those whom he loves. The little bee will die to protect his loved ones and the hive and once he stings someone it will mean certain death for him. The bee has no regard for his own life. He is about his family. He is about the hive. You truly have to respect bees. They have very important jobs and without them we would be in serious trouble. Their shrinking population is having terrible consequences for our agriculture. Their presence is very crucial and we really, really need them. Bees don’t have the ability or the luxury to be objective as they are not conscious beings. They will sting when they perceive a threat, period, right or wrong, and always in the interest of protecting what is dear to them. Most people that “sting” are like the bee. They have lost objectivity, unable to see the whole picture and are just trying to protect what they perceive is being threatened. When you get stung by this type of person try to understand his or her perspective and understand that it is likely very limited because of painful, past experiences and history. This kind of individual is not “bad”. They are just very unaware. You might do the same thing in his or her shoes and most likely have at one point or another. We are all bees sometimes. But, do be wise and protect yourself.

Wasps are different in my opinion and very likely in the opinion of those who have had the unfortunate experience of accidentally crossing them. I truly don’t understand the reason for wasps if I am honest. I quite dislike them. I have been known to use some very unsavory vocabulary regarding them. Let’s get something straight. Wasps are not nice! Wasps do not sacrifice themselves when they sting you, for them it isn’t about that! If they can manage it they do not bite you just once. They keep coming! Wasps seem to enjoy hurting people and animals and bite over and over until you can get away from them. (again, I am not a insect expert, just drawing a comparison). Wasps are self serving, vicious, calculating and vindictive! (In my opinion) If you have ever experienced being stung by one you know how relentless they can be. The aftermath is extremely painful and it can take a while to heal after being attacked by a wasp! It is the gift that keeps on giving! While I think most people can be bees, from time to time, I do believe there are a small minority that fit into the wasp category. If you have ever met one, and experienced their wrath, you will understand what I mean. If you are under the impression they don’t exist or are really just misunderstood then I can guarantee you will experience one, one day. Sorry, I used to think that way too and that kind of thinking tends to draw them to you. Bees just want to be left alone. Wasps clearly want a fight and they look for the most vulnerable, trusting and unsuspecting person or animal to attack. I guess by now you know I am not really writing about insects.

It is not really my job, nor should it be, to label who is a bee and who is wasp and honestly they can be difficult to tell apart. If I can help it, I won’t be getting that close. I will leave that to my Creator. He is the Judge. What I do need to do is be wise either way. Both sting but I need to stop assuming I understand a person, one way or another, and just be aware, awake and vigilant. Just like long sleeves, a hat and a nice pair of thick Levis make one less vulnerable to being stung, appropriate boundaries in my own life are probably the best way to protect myself and those whom I care about from stings. Aggressive behavior on my part, stinging back, will stir up and anger both the bee and the wasp, so the important thing is to give them their space and carefully observe them from a good distance. There might also be a time to be defensive and take action but only if necessary. In time maybe I will figure out which is which but safety comes first. The important thing is to not put myself or others in a position to be injured. That is wisdom and love in tandem and I am hopeful the next time I happen upon something with a stinger I will see it before it sees me.

Cheers!

April

Comparison

 

There are so many things that I know now that I wish I knew then. Isn’t it always like that? Could have, should have, would have? I remember being a child and thinking about how little I knew the previous year, compared to where I found myself at that time. “Look at second grade April”, I would say to myself, “she didn’t’ even know how to multiply last year. Boy, she was stupid!” I would judge and compare the little girl then to the person I was at that time and I think I did that just about every year. It became very subconscious, these comparisons, and at some point I started to drag other people into this self-imposed, mental torture, comparing myself not only to my former self, but to others as well. It is so ego based and emotionally driven. Stepping back and observing these patterns is an interesting thing. I was in competition with the old me and everyone else and pretty much finding myself on the losing end every time. It is a sick game our minds play with us. Most everyone else does it too and are probably highly oblivious to their patterns. “Comparision is the thief of joy.” It truly is. I think this is no where more evident then on social media. What a sad state of affairs that can be!

At some point, probably like 40 years later, it occurred to me that most the time I was doing the best I knew to do at that time utilizing the limited information I had at that moment. At about the same time it also occurred to me that that is also the case with most others. People don’t normally set out to consciously make mistakes or victimize one another. Except for a small minority of sociopaths, narcissists and psychopaths, most people don’t intentionally hurt other people or make bad decisions on purpose. People, by and large, erroneously, emotionally react to the circumstances that they find themselves in and subsequently hurt themselves and others in that process. So judging, competing or calling out ourselves or others regarding mistakes and poor decisions made in the past is largely a waste of time and energy. If you would have known better, you would have done better, but you didn’t. I didn’t. We all do what we know, at the time, with the information and often highly subjective perception we have at that time. Our perceptions are largely shaped by our understanding. Our understanding is limited and often stunted by our emotions. Emotion is pretty much all we have until we become more conscious and consciousness, for most of us, is a long process depending on how much trauma and stress we have suffered and how we have reacted to it. When you start to see things in that light, and it is a light, you begin to understand that resenting yourself or others and the pain you or they have caused is really counterintuitive to growth and maturity.

So many decisions I have made have been the wrong ones and it’s tempting to succumb to a sea of regret.  Looking back, however, there is much good that has come from the disasters I have lived through, often at my own hands. There are things I wouldn’t have learned otherwise and I honestly wouldn’t be the person I am today without having faced those trials that were largely the product of poor decisions. I honestly like the person I am today. I think she needs to grow more and shed a few bad habits but all in all I like her and the person she has become and is becoming. I am learning to love the person she was before as well. I really feel for that person because she embodied a lot of qualities that I know come from a very unconscous place. She was a very traumatized individual. The people that hurt her were also very traumatized individuals.

I often see this image in my mind when I ponder these thoughts. I see us all at an amusement park and we are in bumper cars. We don’t really know how to control the cars we are in. It is a strange and new experience for all of us! Some people are just trying to avoid being hit but they keep getting hit anyway and running into others no matter how they try to maneuver their vehicle away from everyone else. Some people think they will come out on top by gunning for others so they hit first but in the process their car gets pummeled. Everyone one is pretty much running into everyone else and there seems no end to it.

In life it is unavoidable that we are all going to run into one another, no matter what our intent might be, because we simply don’t know how to handle the vehicle we find ourselves in. No one is born with all the answers and honestly we need to be working on finding them for ourselves rather than spending time pointing out that others don’t seem to have them! Depending on how many “hits” we have sustained our internal guidance system often malfunctions or stops working altogether. When this happens we either run from conflict and appease others for our safety or we set out on the attack hitting before we are hit. When the guidance system stops working all together, that is dangerous. These individuals do really intend to hurt others, but for most of us, thankfully, our guidance system is merely malfunctioning.

Give yourself a break, you did the best you knew at the time and if you would have known better, you would have done better. So stop judging yesterday’s you! Give others the same break. They did the best they knew to do at the time and if they would have known better most of them would have done better. This doesn’t mean that the minority isn’t still out there, the ones that really are intending to inflict pain. Watch out for them and have appropriate boundaries where they are concerned. But don’t resent them. We become what we hate and if that is the case you really don’t want that guidance system to stop working altogether!

Cheers!

Hot Coffee

 

This morning it is 26 degrees where I live. That is pretty cold for our neck of the woods. The coffee is more for warmth than drinking this morning. I think I am absorbing the heat out of it as my hands grip the hot cup because it is cooling pretty quickly. I really prefer cooler weather because I sleep better but it is the waking up that can be tough when I am sleeping this well. My dreams have been vivid lately and the kind that I should be writing down. They are so entertaining that I want to keep sleeping to learn what the end will be but I always seem to wake before they are done. Man! ☺

I meet the most interesting people while I am out and about and pretty randomly. I ran into one of my Trader Joe’s buddies yesterday. I drive way far away to do our grocery shopping because we try to eat clean and TJ’s has amazing prices on a majority of the things we buy. (This is not a paid endorsement) Anything I can’t get there I pick up at Whole Paycheck, I mean Whole Foods (joke is getting old I know, but it is true $$$), and then head home. Anyway, Trader Joe’s hires some of the coolest people I have ever met. I have a few friends there but this gal is on a similar journey and we talked about not reacting to other people’s drama, remaining calm and objective and many other cool things we are learning. She tends to absorb and feel the struggles of others like I do and also has the same knee jerk reaction of trying to fix things. Learning to manage and control that urge to right other people’s world that is not something people who don’t struggle with that understand very well. It is a meeting of kindred spirits I guess and a cool experience when it happens. It is nice to feel a little less alone. The problem with trying to fix things for others is that it robs them the opportunity to “see” themselves and it sucks the life out of the person trying to be the “hero”. We both have experienced that and are learning to observe and walk away when need be. Bad habits die hard!

Diet on track. Exercise not. I am trying to figure out how to adapt it to my new schedule now that I am working outside the home and still not feeling 100%. I think this is the longest head cold ever! So trying to be patient with myself and not fall into self condemnation. I will get there. One foot in front of the other.

So enjoy this little tune and stay warm!

Cheers!

April

Some Days…

It is funny how difficult it can be to get back into a routine after having time off. I recently had a 3 day weekend and it was so nice! I was supposed to have 4 days off but a co-worker needed me to cover her day for her so I went in yesterday.

Yesterday was set to be a 9 1/2 hour day but turned into a 10 hour day with no breaks. So I hit the ground running and today my body is feeling it. In addition to that, I am still getting over a cold and it seemed to be better but has returned some along with some Peri-menopausal unpleasantness. This is probably due to not eating as well as I should have in December. I am open book, so sorry if that offended anyone but if you know me you know better than to expect me to be anything but real with you. You will just have to put up with my kvetching for a bit if you don’t mind. Thanks. ♥

This is real life and it is real, not pretend. The last few days have been a struggle emotionally. I know what I am feeling is not real in terms of anything externally wrong. I know this is all virus and rogue chemicals but the experience internally feels real and frankly it sucks. Not every day can be a ‘victorious one’. That was one of the things about mainstream Christianity that I had a real problem with. Or maybe fundamentalist Christianity. Or maybe just our culture in general. Probably all of the above. I don’t know. I remember a friend and former mentor telling me, “just fake it hon, the devil don’t know the difference!”. What a load of crap. Sorry, love that woman, all due respect, but that is a lie. That isn’t real. That isn’t the human experience. I still have to live in this body last I checked and it has some issues. Some days are just a struggle. As adults we forget to be honest about that and it is inferred that we shouldn’t be and I believe that is why our struggles tend to last as long as they do and are even more difficult to get over. I believe that is one of the reasons we get angry and depressed. It is the same in any language and kids are honest….unlike most adults, sadly.

So honesty it is. Feeling rough today. Hoping it will pass soon. I might cry in my eggs for a bit (I am a “Paleo eater” after all) but in the end I will pull it together,  get on with it and do what I have to do. That is the great thing about honesty. Once it is out, it’s out. I think she made it to kindergarten and had a better day, don’t you?

Back on track diet wise. Feeling crummy so no exercise today. I will get there. One foot in front of the other.

Cheers!

April

 

Her

 

So I have stopped by today without a clue of what I am going to write. I usually wait for some inspiration but I have begun to wonder if the belief that I have to wait for some sort of “ah ha” moment to write something is an erroneous belief. So, I am just showing up. Cease talks a lot about “not planning” and that most creativity springs forth from not knowing or planning what one is going to say. Masters says the same. He also talks about being comfortable with fear and being cognizant of it rather than trying to deny it’s existance or resenting it. Somehow with the mere observation of “it”, fear will begin to diminish and shrink. It doesn’t like to be “seen”. He will often say he doesn’t know what he is going to say, it just happens. Many other gifted speakers and writers say the same. So I have decided to bridge out from sitting, waiting and hoping  for some sort of inspiration to hit me and just walk forward and do my thing, sink or swim. No plan.

I have been thinking a lot about why I haven’t finished a novel yet. I have started and stopped 3. It is not about not being capable because if one looks at the amount of blogging and journaling I have done over the years I could put together 10 novels. I was listening to a well known author talk about the impedes behind different sorts of author’s writings. Some writers can write all the time no matter life’s circumstances. Words come forth from their souls like water from a fountain and it is effortless for them. They have no belief that they couldn’t do otherwise. So, they just do it. Other writers have to experience the difficulties, trials and tribulations of life and that experience serves as their inspiration. They have to push through dense walls of misinformation accumulated from years of negative programming. These individuals struggled with self doubt, fear and a lack of confidence but at some point they got back in touch with what they once had and who they were as a child and overcame those obstacles. I am a member of the latter group. I am in that process of tearing down walls of misinformation and wrong thinking. I really believe we are all given gifts and purposes that we are fully aware of as a child but at some point, sadly, for most of us, those flames are doused and put out. Well meaning adults, family, friends, society, culture and even religion say and do things that attempt to extinguish any remaining embers because many of us have a poor ability to shut the world and it’s worthless noise out of our minds. It has taken me well over 40 years to gain awareness that many of my thoughts and beliefs were never really mine to begin with. Nor did they proceed from the heavens, they came from the opposite to be frank. They were inserted there and because I was a fairly fearful and traumitized child open to suggestion the world gave me they invaded my being. I unconsciously consumed this misinformation like poison and it became part of me. Those lies are the me that is not me. They are useless and harmful programs that somehow made their way in my programming and I am seeing them now and purging them on a continual basis.

When I was a child one day I was a cowgirl riding the range in the wild, wild west. The next day I was a spy in a foreign country somewhere on a secret mission to save the world. The day after that I was trapeze artist, flying through the air, doing flips and soaring above heads of a stunned and delighted audience. Every day nothing was impossible and I could do anything. The world hadn’t told me anything different, yet. My mind could take me anywhere and everywhere I wanted to go. That changed for many, many years. The child went away. I thought, for a season, that she was gone for good and that felt like death. Thankfully, I am rediscovering her again. She looks a lot different on the outside but she is still in there on the inside demanding I wake up and hear her once again. She has a plan. She giggles and gleefully whispers it in my ear. “Come on” she nudges, “let’s do it!”

So, let the adventure begin!

Cheers!

April